Roseanne (TV Series)

Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore (1989)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• [During a tornado] 

  Roseanne : What's the worst that can happen? So the tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

• [during a tornado] 

  Jackie : Roseanne, I wanna live.

  Roseanne : Think it over.

• Roseanne : Come on, Crystal. Why don't you sit down and relax.

  Crystal : I can't relax.

  Roseanne : All right. Clean my house.

• Crystal Anderson-Conner : [while she's making marshmallows]  Roseanne, how do you like yours? How do you like yours, Roseanne?

  Roseanne : Oh, like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

• Darlene : What good's a tornado if you can't see it?

  Roseanne : Oh, yeah, you're right. Why don't you guys go out and play?

• Jackie : [while taking photos of the house after the tornado]  Okay, everybody look horrified.

  Roseanne : It'll be hard to top my wedding photo.

• Roseanne : [after Becky disappears somewhere amidst the approaching tornado]  Let's go get her and beat the hell out of her before the tornado gets her.

• Roseanne : [after Darlene scares her]  That is not funny! You're grounded until menopause!

  Darlene : Yours or mine?

  Roseanne : Your father's!

• Crystal : Come on, you guys. You're missing out on marshmallows.

  Roseanne : [to Jackie]  Come on, sis. Marshmallows. Food of the gods. We'll have a regular oink fest.

• Becky Conner : Mother, this is no time for joking.

  Roseanne : Yeah, you're right. Okay, everybody, PANIC!

• Jackie : [to Roseanne]  I wasn't trying to scare you.

  Roseanne : You don't have to try. Your whole life scares me.

• D.J. Conner : [after the tornado]  Can I go outside too?

  Roseanne : No, I'm not done hugging you yet.

• Dan Conner : A tornado is wild, untamed power. What's the word I'm looking for?

  Roseanne : George Bush?

• D.J. Conner : What about food?

  Dan Conner : Good idea, D.J. Food. Canned goods, uh, fresh water...

  Roseanne : Now, Dan, this is an emergency. We need real food like caramel corn and cheese puffs.

• D.J. Conner : Mom, is it safe to watch TV?

  Roseanne : No safer than before.

• Becky Conner : [to Roseanne]  I'm writing in my diary everything that's happening just in case.

  Roseanne : Oh, honey. You're gonna make it. You'll survive this horrible moment and grow up and have horrible moments with your own kids.

  Becky Conner : I love you, Mom.

  [hugs her] 

• Dan Conner : We don't have to talk about this.

  Roseanne : Well, yeah, we do, Dan. Maybe not now, but sometime we do.

  Dan Conner : No, we don't.

  Roseanne : Why not?

  Dan Conner : Because nothing bad is ever going to happen.

  Roseanne : Oh, yeah, you're right. "Roseanne Conner celebrated yet another birthday today. She was 264 years old."

• Dan Conner : [to Roseanne]  Come on out here. I want to show you the sky.

  [he and Roseanne go outside] 

  Dan Conner : I was on the job site. The clouds started spreading out like india ink. It's kind of like "Close Encounters."

  [a sound of thunder is heard] 

  Dan Conner : Oh, man. Look at that cumulonimbus.

  Roseanne : Well, you took the words right out of my mouth.

  Dan Conner : If one of these babies gets a vertical updraft to it, you know what we're in for?

  Roseanne : A bunch of little nimbuses?

• Jackie : Those punks trashed my apartment. I'm only trying to get back what's mine plus a little compensation for my mental anguish.

  Roseanne : Your mental anguish? What about me? I've been married for 15 years.

• Becky Conner : [to Darlene]  How come my new sweater is at the bottom of your grungy closet?

  Roseanne : Because everything in the free world is at the bottom of that grungy closet.

• Dan : [to Roseanne]  Take a deep breath. You know what that smells like?

  [puts a garbage can near Roseanne and walks away] 

  Dan : What's the word I'm looking for?

  Roseanne : Garbage.

• Darlene : [When a trash can blows by, crashing into the house]  What was that?

  Roseanne : That was God saying, "Get your butt inside!"

• Darlene : This is so cool! Are we gonna have a hurricane?

  Dan : No, baby. We don't get hurricanes this far inland.

  Roseanne : Yeah, those coastal towns have all the fun.

• Dan : I'm gonna call Fred and Beatrice. See if we can use their cellar as a storm cellar.

  Roseanne : I thought we agreed to see less of them.

  Dan : Honey, this is a disaster.

  Roseanne : So was their last party.

• Becky Conner : I gotta call Diane, tell her I can't come tonight.

  Roseanne : Well, you can tell her later when her house flies by our window.

• Roseanne : Dan, I'm scared. I'm scared about Jackie. I'm scared about everything.

  Dan : It'll be okay.

  [gives her a quick pat on the back and walks away] 

  Roseanne : Well, thank God you always know the right thing to say.

• Crystal Anderson-Conner : I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and I almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there.

  Roseanne : Great. No more Geraldo.

• Dan : [after Becky goes outside in the storm to get her animals]  Becky, what the hell were you thinking about? You could have been killed?

  Becky Conner : So could Pebbles and Bam-Bam. I gotta go get Waffles. He needs his medicine.

  [is about to run off, but Roseanne stops her] 

  Roseanne : Hey, I don't care if Pancakes needs a pacemaker. You're not going no place.

• Jackie : [to Roseanne]  When I was on my way back over here, I saw that thing.

  Roseanne : The tornado?

  Jackie : Yeah, and I had my camera with me, so I though I'd move in on it and snap a few.

  Roseanne : How could you do something that crazy?

  Jackie : Well, Dad used to put us all in the Buick and go chasing storms.

  Roseanne : Well, Dad was a lunatic!

  Jackie : You can't believe the power of that thing. It wipes out one house and it leaves the next one untouched. There's absolutely no rhyme or reason. It's beyond our control. Nothing means anything!

  Roseanne : Have you been talking to Mom?

• Crystal Anderson-Conner : [as the tornado is almost near and everyone huddles together in the living room] 

  [shouting over the noise from the tornado] 

  Crystal Anderson-Conner : I just want you all to know that I love you very much!

  Roseanne : What?

  Crystal Anderson-Conner : I love you!

  Roseanne : We love you too! Now, shut up!

• Dan : [to Roseanne]  Looks like we lucked out again, huh, kid?

  Roseanne : Yeah. Well, think about it. If you were a tornado, would you want to come in this house?

  Dan : [pauses to think]  What is that, one of them zen riddles?