Roseanne (TV Series)

We Gather Together (1989)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roseanne Conner : [thinking, to the turkey]  There's your aunt Jackie, five bucks says she forgot the cranberry sauce.

  Jackie Harris : [comes in at 5 A.M]  I'm not awake yet, I drove all the way over here in first gear.

  Roseanne Conner : So did you get it?

  [Jackie puts a dented can of cranberry sauce on the table] 

  Roseanne Conner : ONE CAN for 12 people?

  Jackie Harris : Well, I won't have any.

  Roseanne Conner : [mocking]  Well I won't have any.

  Jackie Harris : You want me to go back to the store and get another?

  Roseanne Conner : No, when Mom calls later for the 20th time today to see if we need anything, I'll tell her to pick it up and it'll make her feel complete.

• Roseanne Conner : Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt.

• Roseanne Conner : [sees Dan and the kids asleep in the living room, thinking]  Just look at them, stuffed and unconscious like a bunch of beached whales... and they're all mine, and for that, I am truly thankful.

  [walks back into the kitchen] 

  Roseanne Conner : Of course I'd trade any of them in a minute for a dishwasher.

  [to the carcass on the plate] 

  Roseanne Conner : How're you doing, turkey? You look like I feel.

• Roseanne Conner : [about their mom]  You didn't even call her on her birthday!

  Jackie Harris : Oh God, you sound just like her! I never call, I never visit, I never tell you what's going on in my life!

  Dan Conner : [staggers in half asleep]  What's going on?

  Roseanne Conner : Nothing, you can go back to sleep.

  Dan Conner : I heard all the hollering and I thought your parents got here early.

  [chuckles] 

• Roseanne Conner : [thinking]  Poor turkey, they probably hung you in a dark room by your toes until it was time to cut off your head. Well stop complaining!

  [slaps the turkey's leg] 

  Roseanne Conner : My headache's just beginning!

• Roseanne Conner : That's what I love about this family, we don't want to talk about things so we bring them up at the dinner table. Here, have some more turkey!

  [drops a plate in the middle of the table] 

• Ed Conner : Oof, I am stuffed.

  Roseanne Conner : Are you sure I can't fix you a big fat turkey sandwich?

  [Ed groans] 

• Dan Conner : [stuffed after dinner]  There's a chemical they put in turkey that makes you sleepy.

  Jay Bryant : L-tryptophan.

  Dan Conner : Yeah, good ol' tryptophan, that stuff just wipes you out.

  Roseanne Conner : Yeah, it couldn't have been those four beers, could it?

  Dan Conner : Eh, I ain't driving anywhere.