- Dick Whittington: I followed the Good Book and was sued for divorce. And all I did was love my neighbor.
- Phyllis Diller: You know, I really came up through life the hard way. The first nine years, I was a boy.
- Vincent Price: I'm just a little worried. I was in Goldie's dressing room a few minutes ago and she doesn't have a reflection.
- Henny Youngman: My mother-in-law's not with us right now. She's in Vietnam, teaching them how to fight dirty.
- Dan Rowan: Hey, I guess, like the rest of us, you're looking forward to Thursday?
- Dick Martin: What's so special about Thursday?
- Dan Rowan: Well, most American families have, eh, Thursday circled on their calenders, they have a date with a bird.
- Dick Martin: [scoffs] I got a date with a bird every Thursday.
- Dan Rowan: Ah, the bird I'm talking about is a turkey, stuffed with goodies.
- Dick Martin: That's the bird I'm talking about.
- Henry Gibson: I knew a man who once picked Mickey Rooney's pocket.
- Ruth Buzzi: [gasps] Oh! How could anyone stoop so low?
- Tiny Tim: Well, I wish people would stop comparing me to Barbra Streisand. It's Joan Baez I look like.
- Dan Rowan: Eh, Judy?
- Judy Carne: Yes?
- Dan Rowan: What do you think of Governor Reagan?
- Judy Carne: Oh, he's too hippie critical for me.