- Ruth Buzzi: The baby just swallowed the house key! What should I do?
- J.J. Barry: Climb in through the window.
- Announcer: On Monday, Ma Perkins went to see Tuesday Weld, at the Wednesday matinee on Thursday, with Joe Friday. And there's another week shot to smithereens.
- Dan Rowan: The White House, 1989, 20 years from now. Newly elected president Goldie Hawn held her first press conference today and fulfilled three of her campaign promises. One, she announced she would make Poland the 51st State. Two, she has sent a formal note asking ABC to stop the bombing. And... and three. she has appointed Sammy Davis Jr. ambassador to Israel and said he will leave soon for an eye to eye meeting with Moshe Dayan.
- Dan Rowan: Oh, Vietnam isn't hard to understand, it's just that our country feels that no one has the right to go in there, burn their villages, take over their land, the way we did to the Indians in this country.
- Dan Madden: Every ten minutes, I get these awful headaches...
- Ruth Buzzi: Oh well, how long do they last?
- Dan Madden: Oh, about half an hour.
- Announcer: This program was prerecorded 11 months ago in Paris, during the first peace talks, which brought the war to a speedy conclusion.
- German Soldier: Very interesting. But it would never make it as a series.
- Rich Little: [impersonating John Wayne] People wonder why I act so tough. When you wear high heels, you gotta be tough.
- The Pastor: I have nothing against hippies. I just wish they wouldn't refer to baptism as a "sprinkle-in".
- Dave Madden: Well, frankly, I think anyone who doesn't vote for a stronger gun control law oughta be... shot!
- Henry Gibson: Goldie, when you were in school, did you have a tough time with questions?
- Goldie Hawn: No, but the, but the answers were murder.
- Henry Gibson: Say, did you hear about the circus Fat Lady, fell on the Dog Faced Boy?
- Chelsea Brown: No, what happened?
- Henry Gibson: One of those freak accidents, I guess.
- Dave Madden: Did you know that at the Burbank College of Fine Arts, they make you bring your own box of Crayolas?
- Don Rickles: The election was so close, that at the inauguration, they let Humphrey put two fingers on the Bible.
- Don Rickles: [annoyed after Alan Seus steps on one of his lines in the Joke Wall] That big golfball up in the balcony is going bananas!
- Dick Martin: I meant to tell you: someone called you.
- Dan Rowan: Oh yeah, did he leave a message?
- Dick Martin: Well, he wouldn't tell me, it was too important.
- Dan Rowan: Did he leave a number?
- Dick Martin: Yeah, I believe it was six.
- Dan Rowan: [frowns] Six?
- Dick Martin: Well, that's when you're supposed to meet him.
- Dan Rowan: Oh. But where am I supposed to meet him?
- Dick Martin: He wouldn't say, it was too important.
- Dan Rowan: What'd he sound like?
- Dick Martin: Very important...
- Dan Rowan: Can't you remember anything?
- Dick Martin: Well, he did speak with an accent.
- Dan Rowan: What kind of an accent?
- Dick Martin: He didn't say.
- Dan Rowan: Well, I guess it's not as imporant as all that, I wanna tell ya ...
- Dick Martin: [interrupting] He did say something about "live or death", though.
- Dan Rowan: Did he say whose?
- Dick Martin: No, he did say he'd call back, though.
- Dan Rowan: Did he say when?
- Dick Martin: Well don't worry, if he calls back, I'll take a message.
- Teacher: But today the kids around are wild. That's right, they're wild! They read these nutty comic books. Are you ready? Are you ready, sir? Listen to this, here: "The Thing without a Face". All right, "The Face without a Thing". "The Face with a Thing in it's Face". "The Thing with a Face in it's Thing"! "The Thing with a Thing in it's Thing".