- Dan Rowan: Well, it's Bill Conrad. Bill, good to see ya.
- Captain Amazing: Ah yes, Bill Conrad, meek, mild mannered star of his own TV series, but in reality... Captain Amazing!
- Dick Martin: That's amazing!
- Captain Amazing: No, no. I'm Amazing. You're Dan, he's Dick.
- Dan Rowan: Yep, that's right, he's Dick and I'm Dan.
- Captain Amazing: That's amazing.
- Dick Martin: No, you're Amazing.
- Lester: Eh, do you know that 37 per cent of all the people in America have shop lifted?
- Willie Tyler: Well how did you find that out?
- Lester: I read it in a book I stole.
- Bill Conrad: You know, I came from a part of town that was so tough, even the moon wouldn't come out at night.
- Dancer: Dick, I want you to know I never fool around on the first date.
- Dick Martin: Oh. Well, how about I pick you up tomorrow night at seven. And nine.
- Patti Deutsch: In Israel, they equip their cars with airbags filled with chicken soup. Hm-mm, they do. That way, if you get in an accident, you not only won't get hurt, you won't even get a sickness.
- General Grant: Well, General Lee, now that the war is over, all slaves are to be free.
- General Lee: Well, thank goodness. We used to have to buy them.
- Henry Mancini: You know, so far I've written more than five symphonies, and not one of them has written back.