- Tommy Flanagan: No, no, not me mom, I don't lie any more, nope. Not since I've been a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous.
- Mother: Really?
- Tommy Flanagan: Yep, been a member for, eh... nine months now.
- Mother: Well that's funny, you never had that problem when you were a kid.
- Tommy Flanagan: Oh yeah, well...
- Mother: Well, of course there were other problems, like those darn wild dogs that used to chew up your report card...
- Tommy Flanagan: Oh yeah, I remember them.
- Tommy Flanagan: Aah, and those escaped convicts that used to leave the girlie magazines under your mattress.
- Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, yeah, those were the ones that used to drink all o' dads liquor.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Today is the 482th birthday of Nostradamus, the French astrologer and prognosticator, who actually predicted that I would have no payoff for this joke.
- Pat Stevens: Let me just throw you a wild, crazy question. Uhm, what attracts you to a woman?
- Louis Farrakhan: Blackness. Very, very dark skin. I like a woman so black, she's blue... with blonde hair.
- Weekend Update Anchor: And just a reminder: tonight's the night you don't do anything to your clock.
- Steven Wright: I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everybody just stood around and sang "Happy Birthday".