- Dana Jean Harley: [singing on the 'Country Roses' CD] When I told my husband to take out the trash, I sure as hell didn't mean you. So pull up your panties and get out of my kitchen before you wake up my kids.
- Dana Jean Harley: [Ad for the 'Country Roses' CD] If I told you once, I told you Twenty-five Times, get your hands off my husbands
- [drops the microphone but mouths the word 'penis']
- Dana Jean Harley: I'm talkin' to you, Pam Smidley!
- Announcer: [narrating] Pam Smidley...
- Pam Smidley: [Petrified look on face] I'm runnin'; runnin' from an angry woman, runnin' from Dana Jean Harley.
- Announcer: [narrating] Due to graphic content, 'Country Roses' will not be sold to minors, or miners.
- Pregnant patient: [in the Appalachian Emergency Room] Yeah, all right, here's what happened: I, I... I had hooked a little kid's Big Wheel to the back of my husband's truck. Right? And eh, 'cause we was bored and you know, it was kinda fun at first, until we hit that red light, you know, and then, and then that just sent the Big Wheel flying, and, and I was flung right into the back seat of the truck and I landed on top of a toilet seat that had a little Tweety bird on it and now I got me a big old stomachache.
- ER attendant: Okay, I think you're pregnant.
- Pregnant patient: I can't be pregnant; I haven't had sex in nine months!
- ER attendant: Room one.
- Pregnant patient: Okay. Oh, and my husband would love some, uhm, medical marijuana.
- [on Weekend Update]
- Jimmy Fallon: Last week Britney Spears married Jason Alexander. In a related story, Christina Aguilera 69'd Newman.