Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Chaperone (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jerry Seinfeld : I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?

  Kramer : What state?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Rhode Island.

  Kramer : They're never in contention.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : I've always wondered why baseball is so associated with sex. He's playing the field. Oh, He scored. He didn't get to first base. I struck out. Why? She wanted a diamond. It's always baseball, always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires. I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being can possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country. I think we got to throttle back. You know what I mean? People come home from these games: "We won, we won!" No! They won. You watched.

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. You know, you gotta come out there in the bathing suit and the dress shoes. They got that sanitized for your protection toilet seat thing hanging off them, you know. Plus, they gotta wear all the other outfits. I don't know why. The bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody looks good in formal wear. It's dark, it covers everything. That's why we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past: "If anyone sees any reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About 80 hands go up.

• Jerry Seinfeld : I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed.