- Kramer: Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people!
- Dan: Is Jerry in there?
- Kramer: Well, he can't be disturbed now.
- Dan: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind.
- Kramer: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots, and Jerry is a very sexy man.
- Dan: What?
- Kramer: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know.
- Dan: No, I don't.
- [first lines]
- Jerry: There's something insincere about these greeting cards that we send to each other all the time. They're like these paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? I don't know what my feelings are, so I'll pay some total stranger a buck to make up this Hallmark hooker to do job for me. So I can go, "I didn't write this, but whatever they wrote, I think the same thing." Wouldn't it be better if we just had one card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy anniversary, Congratulations, It's a boy and our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office."
- Jerry: [discussing throwing away a thank you card] It was a thank you card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean how long am I supposed to keep it?
- George Costanza: The rule is a minimum of two days.
- Jerry: You making that up or you know what you're talking about?
- George Costanza: I'm making it up.
- Jerry: I mean really what is the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantle.
- George Costanza: Ah, well. A mantle is a whole different story. If my parents had a mantle, I might be a completely different person.