- Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.
- Principal Skinner: Now I will take any questions from Honor Students.
- Agnes Skinner: [Agnes shows up at the school knocking a student out of her way] I've got a question. How dare you wear white? I hear what you do at night.
- Principal Skinner: Security!
- Agnes Skinner: [Two Kids drag Agnes off the school grounds] Get your hands off of me.
- Homer Simpson: [sings] I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down... I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.
- Carrie: Need a ride back to campus?
- Lisa: Campus?
- [seeing the bumper sticker and parking decal on their car]
- Lisa: You guys are college students!
- Carrie: Yeah, but with our small gymnast bodies, everyone always thinks we're way younger.
- Tina: Aren't you in college?
- Lisa: [covering] Um... of course. Where do you think I go, baby school?
- Robert Pinsky: So, I'm walking by the Oval Office, and I hear the president, "Pinsky, where's my poem?" Well, I thought it wasn't due 'til Tuesday, so I make one up. I am just pulling stuff out of my ass, and when I'm done, the president says, "Pinsky, you've done it again." Ka-ching!
- Lisa: [thinking with a gasp] Oh, my God! My social studies project is due tomorrow morning.
- Robert Pinsky: [she runs out] Did she put in for the pizza?
- [after staying up all night to finish a school project, Lisa falls asleep on top of it in class]
- Miss Hoover: Well, it's still the best thing in this class. A-minus.
- Lisa: [chuckling to herself] Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.
- [she falls asleep again]
- Ralph Wiggum: [eating the marshmallows from his own project] You're like my mommy after her box of wine.
- Anthro Lecturer: [showing his class an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon] So, what does this cartoon "mean"?
- Tina: It shows how the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.
- Anthro Lecturer: Yes, and birds go "tweet". What else?
- Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, mister, put the cartoon back on.
- Anthro Lecturer: I'm sorry, boys. We don't allow children in this class.
- Milhouse Van Houten: What about Lisa? She's only 8.
- Tina: [murmurs from the class] Lisa, did you lie to us?
- Lisa: Well, I just wanted to belong. For once, I felt I was with intellectual equals.
- Carrie: I can't believe I cheated off an 8-year-old.
- Lisa: [crying, she leaves] I guess we won't be biking through Italy.
- Carrie: She's worse than that 80-year-old who pretended to be a freshman.
- Hans Moleman: I just wanted a place to sit down.
- Homer Simpson: What the...? You earned how many credits without our permission?
- Lisa: 16.
- Marge Simpson: [Homer lets out an anguished cry] College is no place for a young girl, with those quadrangles, and study carrels, and syllabi...
- Lisa: Doogie Howser went to college when he was my age.
- Homer Simpson: Against my wishes!
- Lisa: But the atmosphere there was so stimulating. It was a bustling marketplace of ideas.
- Marge Simpson: Oh? And this kitchen isn't?
- Lisa: Well...
- Marge Simpson: I put those "Cathys" on the fridge for you. I don't even like them. They've gotten so smutty.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, sure, when a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it...
- Marge Simpson: Homer, Cathy is a woman.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, come on.
- [going to the fridge and giving the strips a glance]
- Homer Simpson: You're right.
- [he shudders]
- Bart Simpson: [using his bubble to spray the school bullies with mud] When nerds are in trouble, I am not slow. It's spin, spin, spin and away I go!
- Database: Ahh, once he's gone, they'll kill us.
- [just as Carrie and Tina drop Lisa at home, beer keg crashes through the front window]
- Homer Simpson: Hey, where's my keg?
- Lisa: Mm. Mom's not gonna like that.
- Carrie: Who's Mom?
- Lisa: Uh, that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.
- Lugash: [watching one of his students] Okay... for next exercise, put hands on hips, jump out window, and go tell parents to STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH FAILURE CHILD!
- [bawling, she runs towards the door]
- Lugash: Faster! Lift your knees!
- Marge Simpson: Look, Lisa, there's an opening.
- Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at?
- Homer Simpson: Well, hookers and Spider-Man.
- Lisa: Forget it. I'm going home.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [noticing her sneak away from school] That young adult looks like Lisa. Huh? That young adult *is* Lisa!
- Martin Prince: [with Database, hanging on a fence by their underwear] She's up to something private.
- Database: Ahh, let's go spy on her.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [they try to free themselves] I'll get you down. Bite these pencils.
- [with some effort, he pulls them down]
- Database: [rolling around in pain] This is the life we chose.
- John F. Kennedy: Get up, Liser.
- Lisa: President Kennedy!
- John F. Kennedy: That's right, Liser. Academics are important, but you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, uh, yes.
- Lisa: Well, I can't argue with the man who wrote "Profiles in Courage."
- John F. Kennedy: Yes, uh, wrote it, uh... well, uh, good luck, Liser.
- Lisa: Thanks. I'll see you in heaven!
- John F. Kennedy: Uh, yes, er, uh, heaven.
- Marge Simpson: Bart, don't slurp your soup.
- Bart Simpson: My bubble, my rules.
- Homer Simpson: That's it, boy. It's time for your bath.
- [opening the bubble, he uses a garden hose to fill it with water]
- Homer Simpson: Now go to bed.
- [rolling Bart down the hall]
- Homer Simpson: That is called parenting. I'm going to Moe's.
- Kearney: Give me your lunch money!
- Wendell: But it's after lunch.
- Kearney: It's just an expression. Like, "kick your butt" could involve no kicking whatsoever.
- Bart Simpson: Never fear, the Sphere is here!
- [he gets between the bullies and the nerds]
- Kearney: That's it, Simpson. I'm gonna kick you right in the ball.
- Mrs. Pommelhorst: Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness, it's also about exposing weakness. Check minus.
- Principal Skinner: Are you mad, Brunella? You can't fail Lisa. She's the only child keeping this school accredited. Without her, we'd have to release these children back into the forest. So, let's just turn that minus into a plus.
- Mrs. Pommelhorst: [blocking his pen with her own] Skinner, I took an oath. And by Xena, this girl's failing gym.
- Principal Skinner: Perhaps we could get her a private coach.
- Mrs. Pommelhorst: Well, I know a coach, but he's tough. He defected *into* East Germany.
- Lisa: You're reading "Gravity's Rainbow"?
- Tina: Re-reading.
- Carrie: Sorry, what are you guys talking about? I was making fractals.
- Lisa: [thinking] These girls are brilliant. I've finally found kids I can relate to.
- [out loud]
- Lisa: You guys are so cool. I can't believe I never met you before.
- Tina: Well, I'm Tina, and this is Carrie.
- Carrie: Maybe we can hang out together.
- Lisa: Oh, I'd love to.
- Lugash: [coming in] You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone.
- Tina: I had a dog.
- Lugash: Is cat now!
- Grampa Simpson: [at Krusty Burger with Bart] Here you go, a Laffy Meal for you, and a Nostalgia Meal for me. Oh, boy, this takes me back. Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of Oleo.
- Bart Simpson: What's your Nostalgia Prize, Grampa?
- Bart Simpson: Liberace action figure.
- Grampa Simpson: [Bart is bitten by a Chinese mosquito] Skeeter bites are good luck. Scratch it and you get a wish.
- Bart Simpson: [suddenly feeling ill] I don't feel so good. Can you take me to the hospital?
- Grampa Simpson: Finally, we're doing something I want to do.
- Dr. Hibbert: [inspecting Bart's mosquito bite] Hmm... now, you're sure you haven't been to China? There's no shame in it.
- Bart Simpson: No. I told you. A mosquito came out of my Laffy Meal and bit me.
- Marge Simpson: What's wrong with him, Doctor? It can't be mange. I just had him dipped.
- Dr. Hibbert: Your son is exhibiting classic symptoms of Panda Virus. Here, take a look.
- [as he gives her a magnifying glass, he shows her that Bart's bite looks like a miniature panda]
- Marge Simpson: I knew it was serious when he said he didn't want ice cream.
- Bart Simpson: I did want ice cream.
- Marge Simpson: Well, your father ate it all.
- Dr. Hibbert: Now, don't worry. These pills will take care of everything. But for a week, Bart will be highly infectious to others.
- Bart Simpson: Contagious? Outrageous! I got me some teachers to lick.
- Dr. Hibbert: [chuckling] Well, I don't know about that, but don't worry. While you're infectious, you will lead a normal life full of normal social interaction.
- Bart Simpson: I don't like how many times you said "normal".
- Dr. Hibbert: You'll be living in this bubble. It's clear plastic so the world can see how normal you are.