- Lisa Simpson: [expecting the diary] I wonder what this could be...
- Homer Simpson: I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!
- Lisa Simpson: Could it be some kind of book?
- Homer Simpson: Well, yes and no...
- [Lisa unwraps it]
- Homer Simpson: Mostly no.
- Dexter Colt, P.I.: You know, Homer, ever Since I first met you, I always knew I would kill you in a hall of mirrors.
- Dexter Colt, P.I.: Where's Principal Skinner's office?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Wait a minute. You can't just walk in there.
- Dexter Colt, P.I.: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Carry on.
- [leaves, whistling]
- Lisa Simpson: [At a protest against animal testing of consumer products] Look at the way they're slathering cosmetics on those helpless pigs!
- Homer Simpson: So sad... yet so sexy... yet so delicious.
- Chief Wiggum: [to Marge] Would an innocent person flee?
- [beat]
- Chief Wiggum: No, really, tell me, I honestly don't know.
- Lou: Chief, no.
- Ralph: Even I knew that!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'm, I'm not good...
- Bartender in video: Bad news, Sherrif...
- Homer Simpson: [voice-over] Lisa Simpson!
- Bartender in video: Some Indians took all the...
- Homer Simpson: McNuggets! Mmm, McNuggets
- [drools]
- Homer Simpson: .
- Homer Simpson: More free samples.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, you ate all the free samples! Now you're eating man's slacks!
- Homer Simpson: It's still better than Indian food.