- [everyone is eating at the table; Abe and Chester glare at each other]
- Abe Simpson: I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!
- Chester J. Lampwick: Those corn muffins were lousy!
- Abe Simpson: Paint my chicken coop!
- Chester J. Lampwick: Make me!
- [Abe gets up and the two start brawling]
- Marge Simpson: That does it! One of them has to go!
- Homer Simpson: Okay, Grampa.
- Marge Simpson: No, the B-U-M.
- Homer Simpson: Oh.
- Chester J. Lampwick: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
- Bart Simpson: Huh?
- Chester J. Lampwick: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
- Krusty: Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tried to make learning fun! Sorry about this, kids. But stay tuned! We've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.
- Kid: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
- The Amendment: I'm not garbage.
- [singing]
- The Amendment: I'm an Amendment to be, yes an Amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me. There's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom. I wanna make it legal for policeman to beat'em, cause there's limits to our liberty, least I hope and prey that there are, 'cause those liberal freaks go too far!
- Kid: Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
- The Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...
- Kid: Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!
- The Amendment: Now you're catching on!
- Bart Simpson: What the hell is this?
- Lisa Simpson: It's one of those campy 70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X-ers.
- Bart Simpson: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
- Kid: What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
- The Amendment: Then I'll crush all opposition to me, and I'll make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay!
- Roger Meyers Jr.: Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. So what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners, we wouldn't have the Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from?
- Bart: All right. The coast is clear. There's a box you can sleep in.
- Chester J. Lampwick: Thanks.
- Bart: Just move that cot outta the way.
- Chester J. Lampwick: Okay.
- Bart: Do you know what radon is?
- Chester J. Lampwick: No.
- Bart: Good night.
- Bart: Bye, mom. Bye, dad.
- Lisa Simpson: Bye, mom. Bye, dad.
- [together with Bart as they head out the front door]
- Homer Simpson: Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.
- Marge Simpson: Bart, Lisa, it's eleven o'clock of at night; where do you think you're going?
- Bart: Downtown
- Lisa Simpson: We gotta get seats for the Itchy & Scratchy parade.
- Marge Simpson: I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold dangerous street all night. Homer, you go too.
- Homer Simpson: Ohhh. Why can't they just take the gun?
- Bart: Cool. I'll give you 10 bucks for that.
- Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly seven-hundred and fifty dollars American.
- Bart: It's valuable, huh?
- Comic Book Guy: Ew, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go! For the good of the city!
- Bart: Loser.
- Bart: He's not a regular bum, mom. he's a genius bum. He created itchy, he's the father of cartoon violence.
- Bart: Show some respect, man. That "no talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.
- Chester J. Lampwick: He didn't create Itchy and Scratchy, I did!
- Bart: Huh?
- Chester J. Lampwick: He stole the character from me in nineteen-twenty-eight. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
- Bart: You invented Itchy - the Itchy and Scratchy Itchy?
- Chester J. Lampwick: Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all of that.
- Bart: Well, I'm not callin' you liar, but -
- [sighs]
- Bart: but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
- Chester J. Lampwick: So, I'm a liar, am I?
- Bart: Itchy the Lucky Mouse in: Manhattan Madness.
- [reading the name of a tape reel case]
- Chester J. Lampwick: That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made! And it was made by me - Chester J. Lampwick. Find me a ninty-year-old projector and Ill prove it to you.
- Bart: I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else. It was in the movie mr. lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919 - nine years before roger myers made his first itchy and scratchy cartoon.
- Bart: Well, I wasn't the one who solve the problem, and neither was lisa. There's something unsettling about that.
- Bart: He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're goin' down to itchy & scratchy studios to pick up his check.
- Bart: Wait! There's an easy way to get rid of chester... without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.