- Barney Gerber: You and the quarterback? And you and a priest? And you and a married congressman? And I thought Jews liked to suffer.
- Corinne Tate: I'm in love... with a priest.
- Barney Gerber: Vey iz mir!
- Jodie Dallas: Who?
- Corinne Tate: Father Timothy Flotsky. The closest I ever get to him is in the confessional. How's that for an impossible relationship?
- Jodie Dallas: I'm in for a sex change.
- Barney Gerber: Why do you wanna change sex? If I remember correctly, it was pretty terrific!
- Burt Campbell: In my job, you work very closely with the wife, and I did. I was with her all the time. And then I did little things when I saw the job was coming to an end, just to be with her. Like when I put in the kitchen, I left out the sink. She had to come tell me the sink was missing, so I could be with her. I left the toilet out of the bathroom... put in a closet that didn't open. No stairs, little things like that.
- Danny Dallas: [disguised as a nurse] It's time for your IV. Now, what would you like? We've got dextrose, glucose, plasma, saline, 7-Up, Dr. Pepper and ginger ale!
- Nurse Nancy Darwin: [to Jodie] Your chart says you're here for a sex change operation. Why in the world would you want a sex change operation?
- Barney Gerber: Look, I'm thinking of getting one myself next week. They say women live longer!
- Nurse Nancy Darwin: Are we feeling better today?
- Barney Gerber: We? What are you all of a sudden, my partner?
- Nurse Nancy Darwin: And how many times did we go to the bathroom?
- Barney Gerber: You, I don't know. I went twice, and it was a long, exhausting trip for nothing!
- Jessica Tate: Hospitals depress everyone. I mean, they make them that way on purpose, you see, so sick people will get well in a hurry and go home.
- Mary Campbell: It's not just that. It's my whole life! I have one son who's about to become my daughter. I have another son who someone's trying to kill. I have a lunatic stepson and his dummy living in my house, and a husband who doesn't want to make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!
- Barney Gerber: Uh, listen, sonny girl... uh, you mentioned about shooting. See, I'm a heart patient, and my doctor told me I should specifically avoid gunfire. Fatty foods, and gunfire.
- Burt Campbell: One day, my first wife took my kids and left me. No talk, nothing. I came home from work and there was a note stuck in the meatloaf. It said: "I'm leaving, I can do better!"
- Dr. Medlow: Mr. Campbell, anything you say here is completely confidential.
- Burt Campbell: Yeah? No matter how terrible it is?
- Dr. Medlow: That's right. But Mr. Campbell--everyone who comes in here thinks they're going to tell me something I've never heard before... and it never happens. We all have the same problems.
- Burt Campbell: Hey, hey, I know what you hear! You hear a guy fools around on his wife, you hear some guys like weird things in the bedroom, maybe one or two hate women. Maybe somebody's in love with a goat. That's nothing! What I got is big, I mean big! You'd be shocked.
- Dr. Medlow: No, I won't.
- Burt Campbell: Yes, you will.
- Dr. Medlow: I guarantee I won't!
- Burt Campbell: Oh, yeah?
- Dr. Medlow: Try me.
- Burt Campbell: I murdered my wife's first husband.
- Dr. Medlow: [falling off his chair] My, that is a big one!
- Mary Campbell: [seeing Chester kissing Claire] Jessie, don't look.
- Jessica Tate: Oh, my God. Mary, it's true... all of it's true. Everything everybody's been saying all these years is true. Oh, Mary! I would faint if I knew how.