- Chester Tate: [Alone in the kitchen, talking to himself] Well, that's it. I can't go on. My life is over. My wife is in jail, the only woman I ever really loved. My career is over. I'll be in jail for embezzlement. I can't go on. Might as well... end it all. I'll leave a note. Paper, I need paper. The important thing is how to do it. I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain. I want it... pleasant. Oh, that's wonderful, Tate - you want a pleasant suicide. Why not have it catered?
- The Major: [plotting the jailbreak] The colonel will be driving one tank; I'll be driving the other. We shall rendezvous at 0700. Everyone synchronize your watches. It is now... threeish.
- Jodie Dallas: Carol and I are sharing the apartment.
- Burt Campbell: Oh, Oh, whoa whoa!
- Danny Dallas: [wolf call] Awoooo!
- Jodie Dallas: It's platonic.
- Danny Dallas: Platonic? Sounds kinky.
- Jessica Tate: I'm scared, Benson. I mean, every once in a while it just kinda hits me - I'm on my way to the big home for a mur...
- Benson DuBois: House, house - big house.
- Jessica Tate: Yeah, right, for a murder I did not commit. I mean, me, Benson. This is not Barbara Feldon in that movie of the week.
- Benson DuBois: Eden, Barbara Eden.
- Jessica Tate: Right. And here I am and it isn't a movie and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam, but me.
- Benson DuBois: Slammer.
- Flo Flotsky: I still don't know much about you, except what I hear around, that your mother's an adultress and your father's an embezzler. You bimbo! You probably had more men than the entire Marine Corps! You've ruined my life!
- [Strangles Corinne until Tim intercedes]
- Tim Flotsky: Ma! Ma!
- Flo Flotsky: [grunting and panting like an animal] You want my blessing? Is that what you came for? I'll give you my blessing. This is my blessing: May you never have a happy moment again for the rest of your life! And if you marry, may you know no such thing as peace and quiet! May you know only hardship and suffering and loss! And may you know until your dying day, whatever misfortunes happen are on your heads!
- [storms into kitchen, slams door]
- Corinne Tate-Flotsky: [Horrified, clinging to Tim] I can't believe it!
- Tim Flotsky: Either can I. Actually, she took it better than I thought.
- Eunice Tate-Leitner: I'm making chocolate mousse.
- Benson DuBois: I thought you were on a diet.
- Eunice Tate-Leitner: I'm making dietetic chocolate mousse.
- Benson DuBois: How do you make dietetic chocolate mousse?
- Eunice Tate-Leitner: It's easy - you make chocolate mousse, then you don't eat it.
- Jessica Tate: Oh, I wish I were Donna Reed. I mean, Donna Reed would have something wonderful to say. Or even Shirley Jones for that matter. She'd have something just as good to say and maybe even fresh-baked cookies! Or Loretta Young. Of course, she wouldn't have anything wonderful to say, but she would make a stunning entrance.
- [last lines]
- Jodie Dallas: Carol, you're sure nothing's wrong?
- Carol David: I'm positive. There is nothing wrong.
- [Jodie enters bathroom, closes door. Carol speaks softly to herself]
- Carol David: There's nothing wrong, nothing at all. I'm just... pregnant with your child.