- Stan Marsh: You don't even know anything about Christianity!
- Eric Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.
- Eric Cartman: [singing] I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.
- Token Williams: This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!
- Eric Cartman: [to himself] I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
- Token Williams: What did you say?
- Eric Cartman: Nothing.
- Butters Stotch: [to an old lady buying their album] We're not really Christian. We're just pretending we are.
- Cartman: [the old lady walks away] Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
- Randy Marsh: [Opens the door to the garage] Stan, are you okay?
- Stan Marsh: Yeah, dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
- Randy Marsh: Ooh! I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths.
- Token: [to Cartman] Good job, dickhead! We lost the entire audience!
- Cartman: Ah, fuck you Token, you black asshole!
- [Token kicks the crap out of Cartman and leaves him coughing on all fours]
- Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.
- Butters: [Standing around Cartman, then after a while he farts on Cartman and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric.
- Sanctified Band Member #1: [a band walks by] Is this the way to the stage?
- Eric Cartman: Who are you?
- Sanctified Band Member #1: We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.
- Sanctified Band Member #2: We proved that Christian music can be tough and hardcore.
- Eric Cartman: [sarcastically] Yeah, you guys are real hardcore.
- Sanctified Band Member #1: You bet your gosh-darn rear end we are!
- Eric Cartman: Alright, Token, give me a smooth bass line.
- Token Williams: I don't know how to play bass.
- Eric Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this. You're black. You can play bass.
- Token Williams: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
- Eric Cartman: Be as sick as you want. Just gimme a goddamn bass line.
- Cartman: [singing in Christian Rock Band] Don't ever leave me Jesus, I couldn't stand to see you go/My heart would simply snap my wound if you walk on out that door/I promise I'll be good to you, keep you warm at night./Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights.
- Eric Cartman: [when Cartman learns he's lost the bet] God damn it!
- Michael Collins: Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.
- Eric Cartman: Who cares? I lost the bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums.
- Michael Collins: But you spread the word of the lord. You brought faith in Jesus.
- Eric Cartman: Oh, fuck Jesus!
- Butters Stotch: [afraid the crowd gasps] Eric, I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't say the F-word about Jesus.
- Token Williams: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
- Eric Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token? I can never beat Kyle now. I'll say it again. Fuck Jesus!
- Kyle Broflovski: Christian rock?
- Eric Cartman: Think about it. It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap.
- Eric Cartman: Token, get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house.
- Token Williams: We don't have a bass guitar.
- Eric Cartman: Your family's black. There's bound to be a bass guitar on your basement somewhere.
- Michael Collins: Boys, in recognition of over one million records sold, the Christian recording industry is pleased to present you with this myrrh album.
- Eric Cartman: Thank you... Myrrh album?
- Stan Marsh: I thought albums went either gold or platinum.
- Michael Collins: No, no, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations.
- Kyle Broflovski: Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album. I don't owe you anything, fat boy.
- Eric Cartman: Do you mean to tell me I can never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?
- Michael Collins: No, but you can go double myrrh.
- Eric Cartman: God damn it!