- Captain Kathryn Janeway: Posing as a Starfleet captain, selling memberships to the Federation - too bad we didn't think of it, Tuvok. Imagine the resources we could have acquired over the past six years.
- Harry Kim: Tuvok, we saved you a seat.
- [Tuvok hesitates]
- Tom Paris: What's wrong?
- Tuvok: Someone has altered one of my holodeck programs... again.
- Tom Paris: Hm. Are you sure it isn't just one of these malfunctions?
- Harry Kim: Everything on the ship's been affected, including the holodecks.
- Tuvok: The Oracle of K'Tal isn't programmed to wear pajamas.
- Tom Paris: Well, maybe he overslept.
- Tuvok: I am not amused by your practical jokes, Mr. Paris.
- Tom Paris: Ha! Why do you always think it's me?
- Tuvok: Mr. Kim?
- Harry Kim: Mm, I'd like to claim credit, but I'm innocent.
- Tuvok: The next time I visit the holodeck, I expect to find my program restored to its original parameters.
- Tom Paris: I'm telling you, Tuvok, we didn't do it.
- Harry Kim: [waits until Tuvok is out of earshot] I wonder how the Oracle would look in a sombrero.
- B'Elanna Torres: We've got systems failures on eight decks, Captain.
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: That explains why my sonic shower was a little louder than usual.
- B'Elanna Torres: Make that nine decks.
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: If I could have everyone's attention for a moment. We found a contaminant in the replicator system. It's nothing serious, but if any of you start to feel a little queasy, report to sickbay immediately. In the meantime, the galley is closed.
- Harry Kim: [to Paris] I wish I hadn't had seconds.
- [Janeway comes face to face with her "alter ego"]
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: Nice hair.
- Dala: It's not really my taste.
- [Dala is not intimidated by Janeway's threat to turn her over to Telsian Security]
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: Tell her about your research, Mr. Tuvok.
- Tuvok: I-I beg your pardon, Captain?
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: On Telsian law. I think it's only fair that we... let our guest know what to expect.
- Tuvok: The Telsian criminal justice system is rather barbaric.
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: Tell her about the prisons.
- Tuvok: Barely habitable. Inmates often die of malnutrition before they're brought to trial. Torture is commonplace, as is disease, including several incurable forms of psoriasis.
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: I think she gets the general idea.
- Dala: The great Captain Janeway. Somehow I expected you to be... taller. I make a better you than you.
- [Neelix and Paris have set up a shell game to fool the Doctor]
- The Doctor: This looks like an interesting game. May I have a turn?
- Tom Paris: Well, be my guest, but, um... you'll have to wager something.
- The Doctor: [to Neelix] If I win, you take three duty shifts in sickbay.
- Neelix: And if I win, you take three shifts in the kitchen.
- The Doctor: Done.
- Neelix: Ready?
- [he resets the game and begins shuffling the cups]
- Neelix: Now, watch carefully. Round and round they go. Follow the tera nut if you can, but be careful, the hand is faster than the eye.
- Tom Paris: Careful, Doc, try not to blink.
- The Doctor: Don't you worry, Mr. Paris. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool my optical subroutines.
- [Neelix finishes shuffling]
- Neelix: Where is it, then?
- The Doctor: In your left palm.
- [and to the other gamblers' great bafflement, he turns Neelix's left hand around, which indeed contains the nut]
- Tom Paris: How did you...?
- The Doctor: Superior visual acuity. See you in sickbay.
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: Gremlins.
- B'Elanna Torres: Excuse me?
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: In the early days of aviation, engineers blamed imaginary little creatures called gremlins for malfunctions they could not explain.
- B'Elanna Torres: Well, one of your "gremlins" just paid a visit to the replicator system.
- Dala: My father taught me most people will exploit you if they can; so, it's best to exploit them first.
- Captain Kathryn Janeway: I know it's hard for you to believe; but occasionally some of us tell the truth.
- [last lines]
- Neelix: [shuffling the cups] Round and round they go. Follow the tera nut if you can, but remember, the hand is sharper than your visual acuity.
- The Doctor: I thought we'd already disproved that theory.
- Neelix: You tell me.
- The Doctor: [sighs] The tera nut is firmly entrenched up your right sleeve.
- [Paris laughs triumphantly, and Neelix shows the Doctor his empty sleeve]
- Neelix: [sneering] Sorry.
- [the Doctor inspects it, then turns up all the cups, yet doesn't find the nut]
- The Doctor: [baffled] That's impossible.
- Tom Paris: The old handoff.
- [and from behind The Doctor's ear, he conjures - the nut]
- Neelix: Ooo.
- The Doctor: That's cheating!
- [leaves angrily]
- Neelix: [to Paris] We've still got it.
- Tom Paris: I tell you, Neelix, when I first joined Starfleet, I knew it was gonna be one glamorous adventure after another, but I never dreamed that I'd have the opportunity to go on a mold-hunting expedition.