- Dana Foster: Mom, can I borrow the car?
- Carol Foster Lambert: Sorry honey, I need it today.
- Dana Foster: For what?
- Carol Foster Lambert: Oh nothing much, I just have to pick up the cleaning, go to the post office, take Al to soccer practice, Brendan to Little League, go to the bank, the hardware store, the shoe repair and the drugstore. You know, just a joyriding kind of day.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: I'm sick of doing laundry! I mean we're the parents, right? Why can't we just burn this stuff and buy new clothes?
- Dana Foster: Look, don't tell me your problems, I've been in this kitchen all day cooking for those brats. 'I'm hungry', 'I want a sandwich', 'make me a hamburger', what do they think this is, a restaurant?
- Frank Lambert: I guess I better turn in too, I got a big day of watching football tomorrow.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: And mowing the lawn.
- Frank Lambert: I'll mow the lawn.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: And washing the cars.
- Frank Lambert: I'll wash the cars.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: And doing your Algebra homework.
- Frank Lambert: Excuse me?
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: Well you're me, remember? You've got a take-home test in Algebra and you better do well, because I hear you're flunking.
- Carol Foster Lambert: Well, I'm off to the mall.
- Dana Foster: Wait a second. Car keys.
- Carol Foster Lambert: Excuse me?
- Dana Foster: I need the car to go grocery shopping.
- Carol Foster Lambert: Well how am I supposed to get to the mall?
- Dana Foster: What's the matter? Are your legs broken? Walk.
- Carol Foster Lambert: [murmurs] I'm not liking this game at all.
- Dana Foster: Not so far, check book?
- Carol Foster Lambert: What?
- Dana Foster: You're a teenager, you don't have a checkbook. Or credit cards, gimme.
- Carol Foster Lambert: [groans] Okay, you're the Mom.
- Dana Foster: Oh, and uh, take off some of that makeup, I don't want people to think I'm raising a tramp.
- Dana Foster: How am I supposed to get to the library?
- Carol Foster Lambert: What's the matter, are your legs broken? Walk.
- Dana Foster: Walk? It's almost a mile!
- Frank Lambert: Wow, a mile, better hitch up the camels.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: Son, you know when you cheat, you're only cheating yourself.
- Frank Lambert: Come on, J.T., give me a break, I've been out of school for 20 years, I can't do this stuff.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: Well then we'll just have to get you a tutor.
- Frank Lambert: And where are you going to find a tutor on Sunday?
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: [calls up the stairs] MARK!
- Frank Lambert: Oh no, you can't lock me in a room with Mr. Wizard and an Algebra book.
- John Thomas 'J.T.' Lambert: Sure I can, I'm the dad, remember?
- Frank Lambert: I hate your son!
- Carol Foster Lambert: [coming in disheveled] I hate my daughter!
- Frank Lambert: What happened to you?
- Carol Foster Lambert: Dana made me walk to the mall, do you know how far that is?
- Frank Lambert: No and I don't know what time TRAIN A gets there either!
- Carol Foster Lambert: The truth is we forgot how hard it is to be a teenager, you don't have a car, you don't have much money, and it's NO fun having people tell you what to do all the time.
- Alicia 'Al' Lambert: [about Dana's housecleaning getup] Hey Dana.
- Dana Foster: Huh?
- Alicia 'Al' Lambert: That, is a really good look for you.
- Dana Foster: Eat worms.
- Alicia 'Al' Lambert: No thanks, I already had your spaghetti last night.