That '70s Show (TV Series)
Can't You Hear Me Knocking (2005)
Wilmer Valderrama: Fez
Quotes
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Eric Forman : Poor, little, tough guy hiding behind his bluster.
Steven Hyde : Shut up, Forman, I'm fine!
Michael Kelso : Sounds like someone needs a tickle.
Fez : No, I'm okay.
Eric Forman : We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone!
Michael Kelso : Eric's right!
[climbs over the couch]
Michael Kelso : We're going to do something that *guys* do!
Fez : A massage train?
Michael Kelso : No!
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso : So, we got you a present.
Steven Hyde : [Cut to the circle] This is a great present, guys! I especially like the teeny, white paper you wrapped it in.
Michael Kelso : The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off the Russian Death Ray that's pointed at the White House. No, seriously! I read it in a magazine!
Eric Forman : Kelso, that was The Flash and it's a comic book.
Fez : I love comic books. Sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles. Do you see anything?
Steven Hyde : The Russians don't have a death ray, man, but they *do* have a stupid ray and it's pointed right at you.
Michael Kelso : They *do* have a death ray and I'll prove it. Where's the phone?
Eric Forman : Kelso, I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission.
Michael Kelso : They've got me on hold. Oh, and they're playing the theme song to the President.
Eric Forman : "Hail To The Chief".
Michael Kelso : Thank you, Eric, but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song!
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Eric Forman : Kelso, if you tell the White House there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed. I say go for it.
Michael Kelso : Of course they're not going to admit it. I got to trick them into saying it. It's what cops call
[uses air quotes]
Michael Kelso : "tricking them".
[on the phone]
Michael Kelso : Hello, White House? I have a few questions. How well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President. Damn right it's a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point Place...
Eric Forman : No!
[Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
Steven Hyde : You idiot! You just told them where we are! They're going to come here and arrest us!
Michael Kelso : They should arrest the Russians! *They're* the ones with the death ray!
Fez : You didn't mention the death ray!
Michael Kelso : Ah-ha! So you admit there is a death ray!
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Eric Forman : [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso.
Michael Kelso : Quit it!
Eric Forman : No! This whole thing is your fault!
Michael Kelso : If it's anyone's fault, it's Hyde's, because he got dumped by Jackie, so we had to be nice to him!
Fez : Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made. Remember? We were talking about it behind his back!
Steven Hyde : Shut up, Fez! If I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the 'nads!
Fez : Oh. In that case, my advice is: "please don't kick me in the 'nads".
Eric Forman : [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice. Remember, they're listening with the
[whispers]
Eric Forman : V-A-C-U-U-M!
Steven Hyde : [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells "vacuum".
Michael Kelso : "Vacuum" has two U's in it? That's messed up!
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Fez : If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence.
Eric Forman : [During the second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys.
Michael Kelso : Eric, you better take this seriously. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of. Even more than at the Pink Floyd concert.
Fez : Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment.
Steven Hyde : I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I had more people to share this with.
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Steven Hyde : [During the third circle] This is our third circle today and it hasn't calmed me down at all!
Fez : I can't be sent back to my home country. My parents would be ashamed, I'd get stoned and then they'd throw rocks at me!
Eric Forman : I think we all need to settle down! Just settle down! Who's yelling! Who is yelling!
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Fez : [the guys think a van parked across the street is the FBI] It's just a dog catcher's van.
Steven Hyde : That's what they want you to think, man!
Michael Kelso : Yeah! A real dog catcher's van wouldn't say "dog catcher" because otherwise the dogs would see it and run away!
Fez : I can hear dogs inside.
Steven Hyde : It's obviously a recording. Alright, on the count of three: one, two, three!
[They open the doors releasing a bunch of dogs]
Steven Hyde : I don't know if it's the fresh air talking but I'm beginning to think this entire thing is just our imagination.
Eric Forman : I think we need to let this whole imagination thing go.
[almost hits Fez with his red plastic light saber]
Eric Forman : Whoa, watch out! I almost cut you right in half there, man!
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Jackie Burkhart : There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them.
Donna Pinciotti : That was me!
Fez : Dogs?
Donna Pinciotti : What did you do?
Eric Forman : What? Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But it's okay, we just imagined it.
Donna Pinciotti : I'm cutting you off! Where's your stash?
Michael Kelso : Its all gone, man.
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Steven Hyde : Seriously, Jackie, don't you have something to say?
Jackie Burkhart : Like what?
Steven Hyde : I don't know... "I'm a spoiled, crazy, whack job and I'm sorry?"
Fez : That's no way to talk to a lady.
Michael Kelso : Especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job that's likely to get you killed!
Reginald "Red" Forman : [entering] Oh, my God! There's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even *that's* going to ruin my day.
Eric Forman : Yes! Only one, and *one* man only, has the power to do that! 'Tis I!
Reginald "Red" Forman : No, not even *you* can do that. And who the hell talks like that?
Kitty Forman : Red, honey, you were happy, remember?
Reginald "Red" Forman : Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing.
Kitty Forman : I'll come too. I'll grab my fishing stick.
Reginald "Red" Forman : I don't want to go.
Kitty Forman : Why not?
Reginald "Red" Forman : Because I don't want you to go.
Michael Kelso : [using a golf club to mimic a pump shotgun] Burn!
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Michael Kelso : One thing I don't get is, if the Feds weren't after us all day, why did they send a bugged vacuum?
Fez : [sarcastically] Why don't you call them and ask?
Michael Kelso : That's a good idea!