- Maurice Boscorelli: Great, we get to direct traffic for the bucket boys. If this isn't the start of a great day, I don't know what the hell is.
- John Sullivan: Sunder Walker, you're under arrest.
- Sunder Walker: What?
- Tyrone Davis: Assault in the second degree. I know it's a tongue twister. You'll have the next 3 to 5 to practice it.
- Maurice Boscorelli: I'm just not sure the night for Nicole to meet my mother is the night her bitter, divorced friends gather her up, get her drunk on light beer, and carve up a penis birthday cake while some male stripper writes "Happy 50th, Rose" in the air with his unit.
- Carlos Nieto: Vangie's not my problem.
- Monte Parker: Not your problem? She's carrying your baby.
- Carlos Nieto: So she says.
- Monte Parker: You don't believe her?
- Carlos Nieto: The girl is four short of a six pack. For all I know, she could show up nursing a Tickle-Me-Elmo, telling me how it looks just like me.
- Monte Parker: What if she shows up with a baby that looks just like you?
- Carlos Nieto: What am I supposed to do? I'm 22. I'm barely making ends now. I'm supposed to take on a wife and a kid? Look, there are some things that I want in life, and I'm not about to let some crazy girl and her maybe baby stop me from getting them.
- Carlos Nieto: [to Vangie] I've had time to things, and we should talk about your options. Maybe if there was something that you wanted to do...
- Vangie Sundstrom: Something what?
- Carlos Nieto: We're both young. This really isn't a time for either of us to be having a kid, so like I said, if... If there's something that you wanted to do.
- Vangie Sundstrom: So what are you gonna do? Gimme a 100 bucks and a ride to the abortion clinic?
- Carlos Nieto: Maybe that'd be the best thing.
- Vangie Sundstrom: You son of a bitch. You don't even care, and you can't even fake it. Hurt me now, miss me later.