Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Erin Fitzpatrick : You were my white knight!

  Christopher Titus : No, hon, I'm just a white guy!

• Christopher Titus : I do crazy things when I'm drunk.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : I'm in a sack!

  Christopher Titus : ...and when I'm sober. But I'll remember *this*.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : So will I!

• Michael : Erin's coming home with us. You got a problem with that? I'd be more than happy to Duke your Earl!

  Christopher Titus : [sarcastically]  Oh no, I better protect my Earl!

  Tommy Shafter : Yeah, by shamalamming your ding dong!

  Michael : He is talking about fighting, right?

  Christopher Titus : Probably not.

• [Titus has put Erin in a sack] 

  Tommy Shafter : I'm letting her out.

  Christopher Titus : Go ahead.

  Tommy Shafter : OWW!

  Christopher Titus : She might bite you.

• Erin Fitzpatrick : Let me go home to my family. They make me happy.

  Christopher Titus : Dave, tie her ass down!

• Ken Titus : So, Erin chose the royal family over you. How does it feel to come in second place to dirt?

  Christopher Titus : Dad, dad, please just make her stay, okay? She won't even listen to me.

  Ken Titus : Is she with her lawyer?

  Christopher Titus : No.

  Ken Titus : Then you're fine.

• Tommy Shafter : [after Erin tries to escape in Ken's truck]  You tried to run me over!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Damn right.

  Christopher Titus : Yeah, well, I popped the tires! Ha!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Not my truck. Ha!

  Ken Titus : That's gonna cost you five hundred bucks. Ha!

  Christopher Titus : Well, you left your keys in the car!

  Ken Titus : [holding up keys]  Ha!

  Christopher Titus : [nervous laugh]  You hot wired the truck? Nice!

• Christopher Titus : [to Erin's family]  Hey guys, you know I know I went off the deep end when I drove Erin away but if you just let me talk to her I'm sure you'll see that she loves me.

  [Erin shoots the head off a teddy bear he was going to give her] 

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day ? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day.