- Jay Leno: With this humidity, your janitor here has got something.
- Ken Titus: What do you know about it ? You know, your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
- Jay Leno: Oh, that's very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
- Ken Titus: No.
- Jay Leno: Then shut up!
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.
- Christopher Titus: [about his hot rod business tanking] I was desperate, and you laughed in my face!
- Ken Titus: Son, the only reason I did that was because... it was so funny!
- [Ken cackles with laughter]
- Christopher Titus: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.