Titus (TV Series)

The Protector (2002)

Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Frank : You will never convict me of this. It's her word against mine.

  Amy Fitzpatrick : That's exactly what you said when I was little.

  Christopher Titus : Oh, oh. That's it.

  [grabs baseball bat] 

  Frank : Seriously, guys. Don't do this.

  [swings back at Frank, but stops] 

  Frank : Please, no, no...

  Christopher Titus : Relax. Important thing right now is Amy.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Right. The best thing for all of us is to help Amy get through this.

  Frank : I agree. 100%.

  Christopher Titus : Wow. Really? God, man, I am so glad to hear you say that.

  [gives bat to Amy] 

  Christopher Titus : Amy, let the healing begin.

  Principal Wells : Wait. I'll go get security.

  Christopher Titus : Oh, come on!

  Principal Wells : It'll take about 5 minutes.

  [pauses] 

  Principal Wells : Or maybe 30.

  [Titus smiles] 

  Principal Wells : Call me when I'm done.

• Christopher Titus : [after getting caught with pot in his locker]  Principal Wells! This is lettuce. If you get me some meat and bread, I can make you a really good reuben.

  Principal Wells : There isn't lettuce on a reuben.

  Christopher Titus : Wanna buy some pot?

• Tommy Shafter : Titus, you can't do this. Stop it!

  Christopher Titus : Tommy, Erin's niece has been living with us for three months, it's my responsibility to protect her. I'm not gonna let some bully harass her. I hate bullies.

  Tommy Shafter : You're gonna beat up a kid with a bat!

  Christopher Titus : What's your point?

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : We come into this world defenseless. That's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, he gave us trees, but we knew what he meant.

• Christopher Titus : Hey, guys, it was just a finger on the freeway. It was just the wrong finger...

  Ken Titus : Hey! You can't beat up a blind guy!

  Christopher Titus : Dad, I'm not blind.

  [Ken sprays Titus with mace] 

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : We come into this world totally defenseless. A bundle of soft, toothless cartilage that can't roll over, focus or hold in its own spit. Then, while you're lying there all helpless some doctor walks in and chops off the end of your penis. Who's a happy baby? Who is? Yes, you are.

• Christopher Titus : A reckless accusation can ruin a person's life. Any person's like my rival, Mario Copono from Fremont, California. His life would suck if somebody went on national television and just said out loud that he prances around in women's underwear. Man, I hope that never happens to Mario Copono of Fremont, California.

• Christopher Titus : My dad always protected me. Like a magnifying glass protects an ant.