Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

  [flashback] 

  Ken Titus : I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning!

• Ken Titus : You know, I liked you better when you had hope.

  Christopher Titus : No you didn't.

• Christopher Titus : PLEASE! It's just a loan. I'll pay you back, I'm an adult.

  Ken Titus : An adult on his knees, in front of his daddy?

  Christopher Titus : You were right along. I mean... I mean, I should've known this would never work out. I shouldv'e known it was gonna fail, man. I am such a big, fat loser...

  [pause] 

  Ken Titus : Finish your thoughts.

  Christopher Titus : [groans]  Oh!

  [neutral space] 

  Christopher Titus : That's damn good crow! A little heavy on the humiliation, but still damn good! Mmmm, crow!

  [live story] 

  Christopher Titus : I'll do anything! Anything, Dad. No restrictions, I'll be your lapdog. just don't do this to Erin, and Tommy, and poor little Dave! Huh? Don't help me, help them.

  Ken Titus : I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time... NO! If I help you now, you'll never learn to help yourself!

  [leaves] 

  Christopher Titus : But, I'm too old to learn! GIMME SOME MONEY YOU BASTARD!

  Dave Scouvel : How'd it go?

• Christopher Titus : Thirteen years. Thirteen years, I have chosen to not drink. Because, I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. So does the fire department that put me out.

• [a customer has asked for his deposit back] 

  Tommy Shafter : You wrote him a bad check for six thousand dollars.

  Christopher Titus : 'Cause I don't have a *good* check for six thousand dollars.

• Erin Fitzpatrick : Honey, you remember Jenny?

  Christopher Titus : Hey, Jenny. This is Tommy and this is Dave.

  Dave Scouvel : [shaking Jenny's hand]  Dave. Hello.

  Jenny : Hello.

  Dave Scouvel : I already have an Asian girlfriend, but you are on deck.

  Jenny : Erin?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Ignore him.

• Christopher Titus : [neutral space]  I've learned that when life is in the dumper, you can run to dad. But only if you can't run to Mexico.

  [flashback] 

  Judge : Eight hundred dollars in parking tickets and driving on a suspended license? Mr. Titus, do you realize how much trouble you're in?

  Christopher Titus : Pfft, err. I mean, pfft, err, Your Honor.

  Ken Titus : [entering]  Your Honor, I'll take care of the fines, and you can remit him to my custody.

  [Christopher looks at Ken, then turns back to the judge] 

  Christopher Titus : [pleadingly]  Prison, please!

  [Ken slaps Christopher's head] 

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : [turns on light]  To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : [drunk]  To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to overcome. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. Growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.

  [laughs] 

  Christopher Titus : Wow, that sounds familiar!

  [sees three lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling rather than one, switches off one, the room is still lit] 

  Christopher Titus : Dammit!

  [switches off another one, the room is still lit] 

  Christopher Titus : Dammit!

  [switches off the last one, the room finally goes dark] 

• Christopher Titus : Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.