Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Tommy Shafter : Great, another party I wasn't invited to.

  Christopher Titus : Don't step in the blood!

• Dave Titus : Yeah, I'm standing up to Dad!

  Christopher Titus : You're standing up to his truck!

• Christopher Titus : Rock on! Rock on! Rock on!

  Ken Titus : Rock off!

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

• Christopher Titus : Every man remembers the day he left the nest and went out on his own. Actually, I don't because I was wasted!

• Nurse Kathy : You guys are being so nice, and since I'm going to be a part of your father's life, which makes me part of your life, I hope I can give you what your other mothers couldn't.

  Christopher Titus : [cut to the Neutral Space]  Kathy will be my sixth mother, which means "Here comes the 'I-hope-I-can-give-you-what-your-other-mothers-couldn't' speech."

  [pause] 

  Christopher Titus : Okay, Kathy...

  [holds up wooden Viking shield] 

  Christopher Titus : ... show me what you got!

  Nurse Kathy : [back to reality]  I want you to know I'm on your side.

  Christopher Titus : [back to Neutral Space]  She's on my side...

  [arrow flies in from offscreen and Titus ducks behind the shield as the arrow hits the top portion] 

  Christopher Titus : Ooohhhh... worked for stepmom #2 and 4, not today!

  Nurse Kathy : [back to reality]  I know I can't be your mom, but I'd like to be your friend...

  Christopher Titus : [back to Neutral Space]  She can't be my mom, but she'd like to be my friend.

  [arrow hits the bottom portion of the shield] 

  Christopher Titus : Oooohhhh... my real mom said that.

  Nurse Kathy : [back to reality]  ... because you are such an upstanding young man. At least that's what your dad says.

  Christopher Titus : What?

  [back to the Neutral Space] 

  Christopher Titus : Dad said that?

  [lowers sheidl, arrow hits him in the chest] 

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party.

  [excited] 

  Christopher Titus : For me ? I had no idea.

  [back to normal] 

  Christopher Titus : And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.