Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : You're a nurse. You're supposed to be sterile and clean. And having sex with my dad, dirty.

  Nurse Kathy : It's not just sex. I love him.

  [Christopher, Erin, Tommy and Dave burst out laughing] 

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Say it again. Say it again.

  Nurse Kathy : I love him.

  [more laughter] 

  Nurse Kathy : People laugh at what they don't understand.

  Christopher Titus : No, no. No, we get it and it's hilarious. Because, because every woman who falls in love with my dad ends up trying to kill him.

  [laughs] 

  Erin Fitzpatrick : What's funny about that?

  Christopher Titus : Laughter, absolute terror. Fine line.

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. C'mon, you push a guys face in a cake, he's got to clean his face. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guys in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week. It's funny.

  [laughs] 

  Christopher Titus : [sobers]  You're not supposed to have a heart attack. It kills the joke.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : I gave my father a heart attack. And the memory of what I did is burned in my brain, like the bomb going off over Hiroshima, or the Hindenburg explosion, and...

  [grimaces, mimes riding a pony] 

  Christopher Titus : Oh the humanity.

  [switches off light] 

  Christopher Titus : I can still see it.

• Nurse Kathy : Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.

  Christopher Titus : Woah, woah, woah. *Attempted* murderer. And I would have plead it down to manslaughter.

• Christopher Titus : A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.

• Erin Fitzpatrick : Here's some rubbing alcohol.

  Christopher Titus : Ahh, pour it in my eyes!

  Christopher Titus : What?

  Christopher Titus : The nurse and dad are having *sex*!

  [Erin gasps] 

  Tommy Shafter : [entering from the living room]  Mr. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dash by him.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex!

  [Tommy begins wheezing] 

  Christopher Titus : Tommy!

  Tommy Shafter : [still wheezing]  Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

  Christopher Titus : Tommy!

  Dave Scouvel : [entering from the bedroom]  Now that is Jell-O with a capital "O".

  Tommy Shafter : [still wheezing]  Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex!

  Dave Scouvel : Wow. That would explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex.

• [Ken has just proposed to Kat] 

  Ken Titus : It's important I get it right this time. After you screw things up with Erin, you'll understand.

  Christopher Titus : I am not going to screw things up with Erin, because I don't marry every woman I have sex with!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Excuse me?

  Christopher Titus : [realizing what his comment sounded like]  I didn't mean it like that.

  Ken Titus : You see? You see? You're screwing it up right now!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : So you have no intention of marrying me?

  Christopher Titus : [trying to get focused back on Ken]  No, I'll marry you!

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Oh, nice, you sound so excited about it.

  Christopher Titus : Honey, can I stop this man from making his sixth mistake before you and I talk about our first?

  [Titus again realizes what his comment sounded like] 

  Christopher Titus : Marriage!

  [metaphorically grasping for something to hold onto] 

  Christopher Titus : I love you!

• [Ken has said that he loves Kathy, the personal nurse Titus hired] 

  Christopher Titus : It's just the angina talking!

  Dave Scouvel : [gasp]  It talks?

  Christopher Titus : *AN*gina.

• Christopher Titus : [Kathy throws the gang out for agitating Ken]  Me? YOU'RE the one having sex with him. You're agitating him!

  Nurse Kathy : That's what you know. I'm always on TOP!

  Christopher Titus : [in Neutral Space, Titus is rocking in his chair, horrified, with his hands over his ears, singing]  The firrrrrst noellllll...

  Nurse Kathy : [as she mimes riding a horse in front of a horrified Titus, Dave, Erin and Tommy]  THAT'S RIGHT BABY! RIDING HIGH!

  Ken Titus : [puts arm around Kathy]  Look at me, I'm a cowboy!