- [first lines]
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: [Trapper is asleep, dreaming of his days in the 4077th MASH Unit, when into the room bursts his chief nurse] Choppers! Let's go! Let's go, Trapper! On the double! Up! Up! Up! Wake up, Trapper! The choppers are dumping casualties all over us.
- Trapper John McIntyre: [Mumbling, half-asleep] Oh, choppers. Hawkeye? Radar, where's Hawkeye?
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: Hey, that was almost thirty years ago. This isn't Korea, it's San Francisco. A hotel just blew up, gas line exploded or something. Let's go, emergency needs all the help it can get.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Did you call Dial-a-Doctor? I was in surgery all night.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: So was I. We spent the night together, remember?
- Trapper John McIntyre: Shocking. We're not even engaged.
- Trapper John McIntyre: [Discussing Gonzo] The kid is completely irresponsible. He has absolutely no regard for rules or regulations.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: Just like you way back in Korea thirty years ago.
- Trapper John McIntyre: What are you talking about?
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: When did you ever respect army regulations?
- Trapper John McIntyre: That was different.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: Oh, no, it wasn't different, Trapper. You were different. You were younger, crazier. You weren't afraid of anything in those days.
- Trapper John McIntyre: What am I afraid of now?
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: Gonzo. He acts like you did when you were his age. I think you're afraid to be young again.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Two kids in college and an ex-wife collecting alimony, I can't afford to be young again.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: Well, here's Gonzo's application. He got his medical degree in the army, spent three years in Vietnam with a MASH Unit.
- Trapper John McIntyre: MASH? Well, no wonder.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: Right. You need a man like that. He's got the training for emergency work. And if he handled a knife any better he'd be in politics.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Well, if he wants to work for me, he'll have to show some respect for the rules.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: The way you did in Korea, right?
- Trapper John McIntyre: Alright, alright, get off my back. Tell him to come in here.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: He said he can be reached at his home aboard the Titanic.
- Trapper John McIntyre: The what?
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: [Indicating an old RV in the parking lot] That is the Titanic.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Well, tell the Titanic it's time to meet the iceberg.
- Clara 'Starch' Willoughby, R. N.: You tell him. I'm on a lunch break.
- Trapper John McIntyre: [Atop the Titanic] Gonzo, I read your application. Your credentials are pretty impressive. Y'know, I did a hitch in a MASH Unit myself.
- Dr. George Alonzo 'Gonzo' Gates: I know.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Really?
- Dr. George Alonzo 'Gonzo' Gates: Sure. That's why I came here for a job. Ol' Trapper John's kind of a legend, part of the MASH folklore.
- Trapper John McIntyre: You're kidding?
- Dr. George Alonzo 'Gonzo' Gates: Truth. You and your pal Hawkeye, you had the whole army in your pockets.
- Trapper John McIntyre: [Wistfully] Yeah, we had it wired, alright. Why, I remember when the nurses' shower got plugged up once and we... Never mind. I want to know more about you.
- [last lines]
- Reverend Barnaby Box: [a white limo pulls up beside the Titanic, Rev. Box emerges excitedly] Doctors! Doctors! I've come to bid you good-bye. I'm leaving today for the Vatican. I have an audience with His Holiness the Pope!
- Dr. George Alonzo 'Gonzo' Gates: Isn't he a little out of your league?
- Reverend Barnaby Box: I had this vision last night. I want to discuss it with him. I know he'll be very interested! Arrivederci!
- [the limo drives off]
- Dr. George Alonzo 'Gonzo' Gates: I think that clown's buckin' for sainthood. With our vision.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Suppose he gets it? What does that make us?
- [laughter, music swells, roll end credits]