- [giving the cab driver directions to his mother's house in Beverly Hills]
- Charlie: Just go east on Sunset until you reach the gates of Hell.
- Charlie: [Charlie's view on Disneyland after returning from a day spent there] "Happiest Place On Earth", my Snow White ass!
- Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
- Charlie: Oh, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in *sissy sauce* and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
- Alan Harper: That's right! And, and, she made *him* so scared of intimacy, that, that he has just this endless stream of girls running in and out of his life.
- Charlie: Damn her!
- Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree that until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
- Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil!
- Evelyn Harper: Too late, I'm not speaking to you.
- Charlie: Alright.
- Evelyn Harper: Would you like to know why?
- Charlie: No. I trust your judgment.
- Charlie: I got some more bad news.
- Alan Harper: [Referring to Jake's pet guinea pig] Oh, that reminds me. I've got to bring Porky back to Jake.
- Charlie: That's the problem. Nothing's bringing Porky back.
- Alan Harper: He's dead?
- Charlie: [Imitating Porky Pig] Th-th-th-that's all folks!
- Charlie: [singing] If your home is bug infested, filled with spiders, flies or gnats / all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin, not your cat.
- Alan Harper: [drunk in a cab, talking about their mother] At some point, we have to stand up to her!
- Charlie: Oh! Well, look who's got beer muscles all of a sudden!