- [trying to suck up to the cheerleading captain]
- Jennifer Dilber: Wow, Courtney. Your hair looks really amazing today.
- Courtney Collins: As opposed to... when?
- Jennifer Dilber: Um... as opposed to yesterday when it looked merely fabulous.
- Kevin Burke: [to Carrie] Excuse me. This class I'm hurrying to get to... you're in it.
- Carrie Moore: I know. I'm not going.
- Kevin Burke: Why, don't you feel well?
- Carrie Moore: Oh, no, I feel fine. I just have been working really hard lately, so I'm giving myself a mental health day.
- [the car horn honks]
- Kevin Burke: You're cutting all your classes? You're gonna miss my lecture.
- Carrie Moore: I'll just borrow the notes from Paul.
- Kevin Burke: Carrie, you're missing my point.
- [the car horn honks again]
- Carrie Moore: Ashley's waiting.
- Kevin Burke: Yeah, I heard. Carrie, I just don't think you're setting a very good example for impressionable, young girls like...
- [the car horn honks again]
- Kevin Burke: Ashley, knock it off! You're just lucky I'm not planning a pop quiz. Or am I?
- Carrie Moore: Well, I'll just have to take your class again next semester.
- Kevin Burke: Okay, no pop quiz.
- Mary-Kate Burke: [to Ashley] Why do you want to hang out with those stuck-up cheerleaders, anyway?
- Ashley Burke: Well, 'cause they're the most popular girls in school.
- Carrie Moore: But you're popular.
- Ashley Burke: Sure, compared to Mary-Kate.
- Carrie Moore: Kevin, even the President takes off the first day of baseball season.
- Kevin Burke: Yeah, well, the President does a lot of things I don't do.
- Gabrielle: Oh, no, that's my backpack!
- Mary-Kate Burke: Oh, man, that sucks!
- Gabrielle: I just got this for my birthday. I don't believe it.
- Mary-Kate Burke: I'm sorry, Gabrielle.
- Gabrielle: I mean, it's hard enough starting over at a new school, but why would somebody do this?
- Mary-Kate Burke: Well, there are a lot of jerks at this school.
- Gabrielle: I thought it would be different here, but it's just another school where everybody hates me.
- Kevin Burke: [to Carrie] You're right. A little more fun in my life wouldn't kill me.
- Carrie Moore: Great. So do you want to try skydiving?
- Kevin Burke: No. See, that might kill me.
- Carrie Moore: [to Kevin] Don't you want to do something spontaneous one time? Just for the fun of it?
- Kevin Burke: The last spontaneous thing I did was hire you and I'm still waiting for the fun to start.
- Carrie Moore: This is Mr. Winkie from Winkie Burger.
- Matt: Yeah, Carrie's gonna hook him up downstairs outside her front door so people can use him as an intercom.
- Kevin Burke: No, she's not. So you wasted your whole day, skipped all your classes, and all you have to show for it is a tubby burger boy?
- Carrie Moore: Hey. He's a collector's item.
- Kevin Burke: Well, why don't you put him out by the curb so they can come collect him in the morning?
- Courtney Collins: Oh, wow, Gabrielle, look what happened to your backpack. Gee, that's really too bad. See you at tryouts, Ashley.
- Ashley Burke: No, you won't.
- Courtney Collins: What's that supposed to mean?
- Ashley Burke: I really wanted to be a cheerleader, but not this bad. I'm really sorry, Gabrielle. You're right, you didn't deserve this.
- Courtney Collins: You're making a big mistake, Ashley.
- Ashley Burke: I already made the mistake.
- Kevin Burke: [as he reads Ashley's newspaper article] As for the cheerleaders, their pyramid was shoddy, their splits were a joke, and you could hardly hear the cheers over the flapping of Courtney Collins' thighs.
- Ashley Burke: What do you think?
- Kevin Burke: Ashley, you can't print that.
- Ashley Burke: Why not?
- Kevin Burke: You misspelled "shoddy."