- Dave Gold: [about Marla] Looks like Larry's still going out with that Weeble. That girl wobbles, but she don't fall down.
- Dave Gold: [to Hillary] Hey, where are you off to?
- Hillary Gold: I'm meeting Brenda. We're going to the movies. Oh, and, um, her parents said that she could stay over tonight.
- Vicky Gold: Okay, fine. Just be home on time.
- Hillary Gold: I will. She has to call them from here by 11:00. It's the only way they let her stay over.
- Vicky Gold: They don't trust her, huh?
- Hillary Gold: No, actually, they don't trust you.
- Dave Gold: What? Why not?
- Hillary Gold: I guess they, uh, think that you and mom aren't exactly the best parents.
- Vicky Gold: They said that?
- Hillary Gold: No. Actually, they said you suck.
- Vicky Gold: [to Dave] What was that?
- Dave Gold: Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.
- Vicky Gold: His what?
- Dave Gold: Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.
- Dave Gold: Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?
- Dave Gold: [Dave speaks to the audience from his 'thought room'] Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.
- Dave Gold: [to Vicky about Mike's BB gun] It's the same thing as when you got Hillary a training bra.
- Vicky Gold: Yeah, except I don't know any girls who lost an eye playing with a training bra.
- Dave Gold: Hey, what the hell's a V-chip?
- Vicky Gold: It's something that stops kids from watching sex and violence on TV.
- Dave Gold: Without the sex and violence, who the hell would want to watch TV?
- [Larry finds Hillary and her friend drinking in the garage]
- Larry Gold: I don't like you when you're drunk.
- Hillary Gold: I don't like you when I'm sober.
- Dave Gold: [about Hillary] Just because she got drunk, doesn't mean we can't drink. That's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong. I go to work, I make a living. If I want to come home and have a beer, my 16-year-old daughter isn't going to tell me I can't.
- Vicky Gold: No, but your wife is.
- Dave Gold: When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everything; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff's over here."
- [disclaimer appears on screen: "Due to mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members."]
- Dave Gold: [glances down at disclaimer] See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?
- Vicky Gold: You know, maybe we shouldn't drink while the kids live here.
- Dave Gold: Come on, Vicky, we drink *because* the kids live here.