Michael Rapaport: Dave Gold

Quotes 

• Vicky Gold : Now, I want you to get changed for the play, because you're going.

  Dave Gold : Fine. I'll go, but I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna like it.

  Vicky Gold : Dave, it's a high school play. Nobody's gonna like it.

• Hillary Gold : This girl Keisha and I got into a fight, and I... kind of punched her.

  Dave Gold : Keisha? Wh-What'd you... you beat up a black girl?

  Hillary Gold : What makes you assume she's black? Isn't that a little racist of you?

  Dave Gold : Not as racist as you beating her up.

• Vicky Gold : Well, how would you feel if your dad didn't show up for your things?

  Dave Gold : Hey, when I was his age, my things were smoking doobs and grabbing boobs.

• [first lines, speaking to the audience from his 'thought room'] 

  Dave Gold : Y'know how when you're in a restaurant and the food doesn't come out the way you like you can just send it back? Wouldn't it be great if you could do that with your kids? "Uh, waiter, I'm sorry, uh, this daughter, she's a little too spicy for my taste, and, uh, not enough dressing. And, uh, my older son - where exactly on the menu did it say he was gonna come out flaming? And, uh, the youngest one - I don't even remember ordering him."