- Keisha: You're Hillary, right?
- Hillary Gold: Yeah.
- Keisha: I'm Keisha. And I don't like your skinny ass.
- Vicky Gold: Now, I want you to get changed for the play, because you're going.
- Dave Gold: Fine. I'll go, but I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna like it.
- Vicky Gold: Dave, it's a high school play. Nobody's gonna like it.
- Hillary Gold: This girl Keisha and I got into a fight, and I... kind of punched her.
- Dave Gold: Keisha? Wh-What'd you... you beat up a black girl?
- Hillary Gold: What makes you assume she's black? Isn't that a little racist of you?
- Dave Gold: Not as racist as you beating her up.
- Vicky Gold: Well, how would you feel if your dad didn't show up for your things?
- Dave Gold: Hey, when I was his age, my things were smoking doobs and grabbing boobs.
- Keisha: Who do you think you are? There are only eight black guys at our school, and what makes you think you get one of them?
- Hillary Gold: Keisha, there could be 8,000 black guys at our school, and I still don't think you'd get one.
- Hillary Gold: [to Taye] Wait, you're breaking up with me?
- Taye: Mmm-hmm.
- Hillary Gold: Why? I mean, is this because I'm grounded? Because I can just sneak out.
- Taye: It's not that. You can't go around thugging on people. You're a hater.
- Hillary Gold: No, it wasn't like that at all.
- Taye: I'm sorry, but I can't go out with someone who solves their problems with violence.
- [Cut scene]
- Taye: Plus, she's way too clingy. If I was actually hitting it, it'd be one thing, but life's too short.
- [first lines, speaking to the audience from his 'thought room']
- Dave Gold: Y'know how when you're in a restaurant and the food doesn't come out the way you like you can just send it back? Wouldn't it be great if you could do that with your kids? "Uh, waiter, I'm sorry, uh, this daughter, she's a little too spicy for my taste, and, uh, not enough dressing. And, uh, my older son - where exactly on the menu did it say he was gonna come out flaming? And, uh, the youngest one - I don't even remember ordering him."