Michael Rapaport: Dave Gold

Quotes 

• Mike Gold : Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test.

  Mike Gold : You failed?

  Dave Gold : No, my teacher just wants your autograph. He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen.

• Dave Gold : [speaking directly to the audience from his 'thought room', about Larry]  To be honest, I'm proud of him. When he punched me, he became a man - if you overlook the running away and squealing like a little girl part.

• Eartha Marshall : Mr. Gold?

  Dave Gold : Yeah?

  Eartha Marshall : I'm Eartha Marshall. I work at Child Services.

  Dave Gold : No, thanks, I already have three.

• Dave Gold : [to Vicky]  Come on, sweetie, I supported your stupid swear jar idea.

  Vicky Gold : What? We put a dollar in a jar. We didn't hit them over the head with it.

• Eartha Marshall : [to Dave]  When you hit Larry, was it open-fist, closed-fist, with a belt?

  Dave Gold : It was with remorse.

• Dave Gold : All right! All right! All right! All right! That is it! Okay? Okay? Apparently, you kids have forgotten that we are the parents! Okay? So, to remind you of this, we are instituting a zero-tolerance policy, effective immediately! If anybody misses their curfew, or doesn't do their homework, or talks back, or just looks at us wrong, they're gettin' a spanking!

  [all the kids laugh at first, until they see he might not be joking] 

  Hillary Gold : Oh my God!

  Mike Gold : Are you serious?

  Dave Gold : You think this is some kinda joke? Do you? Just try me and see what happens!

  [silence] 

  Dave Gold : Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now, who wants to mess with me first?

  [silence] 

  Dave Gold : Yeah, that's right! That's what I thought! Remember, I'm the stallion! All right? You're nothing but ponies!

• Keith : Don't worry, I'll treat Hillary with the respect that she deserves.

  Dave Gold : Oh, well, you better treat her better than that!