- Mike Gold: Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
- Larry Gold: It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.
- Mike Gold: This isn't about you.
- Dave Gold: [speaking directly to the audience from his 'thought room', about Larry] To be honest, I'm proud of him. When he punched me, he became a man - if you overlook the running away and squealing like a little girl part.
- Eartha Marshall: Mr. Gold?
- Dave Gold: Yeah?
- Eartha Marshall: I'm Eartha Marshall. I work at Child Services.
- Dave Gold: No, thanks, I already have three.
- Dave Gold: [to Vicky] Come on, sweetie, I supported your stupid swear jar idea.
- Vicky Gold: What? We put a dollar in a jar. We didn't hit them over the head with it.
- Larry Gold: [in a cut scene about Dave spanking him] Okay, it didn't really hurt, but it was humiliating. He just thinks he can get away with this 'cause he thinks I'm a wuss. Well, I showed him. I packed my bags and walked right out of there.
- Eartha Marshall: [to Dave] When you hit Larry, was it open-fist, closed-fist, with a belt?
- Dave Gold: It was with remorse.
- Mike Gold: [to Larry] What do you mean you're coming home? You can't; it'll ruin everything.
- Larry Gold: But I hate it at Kenny's. His parents make me do chores and they don't let me eat candy or drink soda. I'd rather be hit.
- Dave Gold: All right! All right! All right! All right! That is it! Okay? Okay? Apparently, you kids have forgotten that we are the parents! Okay? So, to remind you of this, we are instituting a zero-tolerance policy, effective immediately! If anybody misses their curfew, or doesn't do their homework, or talks back, or just looks at us wrong, they're gettin' a spanking!
- [all the kids laugh at first, until they see he might not be joking]
- Hillary Gold: Oh my God!
- Mike Gold: Are you serious?
- Dave Gold: You think this is some kinda joke? Do you? Just try me and see what happens!
- [silence]
- Dave Gold: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now, who wants to mess with me first?
- [silence]
- Dave Gold: Yeah, that's right! That's what I thought! Remember, I'm the stallion! All right? You're nothing but ponies!