Whose Line Is It Anyway? (TV Series)

Show No. 318 (2001)

Ryan Stiles: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• [playing "Hollywood Director"] 

  Charles Esten : What you doin' to my woman? Hyah!

  [jumps onto Ryan's back] 

  Ryan Stiles : Oh, get off!

  [loud censor bleeps; raucous laughter] 

  Colin Mochrie : Cut, cut, cut, cut! My God! He's over forty! You okay?

  Ryan Stiles : Uh uh.

  Colin Mochrie : All right. You know, we don't have the insurance! All right.

  Charles Esten : I'm sorry.

  Colin Mochrie : [angrily]  I know you're sorry!

• [after Drew signals the end of "Hollywood Director"] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, that disc popped right back in!

  [laughter] 

  Charles Esten : [sorrowfully]  I broke Ryan.

  Drew Carey - Host : [laughing]  "Faster, faster, you fool, you fool."

  [laughter] 

  Ryan Stiles : That's quite a sensation when those vertebrae rub against each other.

  [laughter] 

  Drew Carey - Host : No, that was really hilarious, man. I'll give you a hundred bucks to do it again later on.

  [laughter] 

  Drew Carey - Host : But for now, a thousand points a piece. Let's go on to a game called... how's your back, really? Is it

  Ryan Stiles : Good.

  Drew Carey - Host : 'Cause I saw you go like

  [pantomimes] 

  Ryan Stiles : No, I was actually saying "Get the

  [censor bleep] 

  Ryan Stiles : off! Get the

  [censor bleep] 

  Ryan Stiles : off!"

  [laughter] 

  Ryan Stiles : I don't know if we can air that or not, but that's what I was saying.

  [laughter] 

  Charles Esten : I wasn't sure what he meant by that.

  [laughter] 

• [after Chip jumps on Ryan during "Hollywood Director"] 

  Colin Mochrie : Do it like a porn movie filled with exercise instructors.

  Ryan Stiles : It's porn, so I can lie down, right?

  Colin Mochrie : Yes, you can. Action!

  [Colin exits, and Ryan lies down with a sigh of relief] 

• Wayne Brady : [in "Scenes from a Hat", the suggestion being "Difficult questions for mommy to answer."]  Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"?

  Colin Mochrie : Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"?

  Drew Carey - Host : Yes, if you were paying attention, I said DIFFICULT questions.

  [audience laughs/oohs] 

  Drew Carey - Host : So many bald, all right.

  Colin Mochrie : I'm adorable.

  Drew Carey - Host : Yes you are.

  Ryan Stiles : You looked better before you lost your erection.

• Charles Esten : [in "Hoedown", about drunk mothers] 

  [singing] 

  Charles Esten : Well I knew Colin's mother, I must tell the truth. / When she was nursing Colin, her milk was 90 proof. / She wanted to kick the habit, she didn't know what to do. / But if your baby looked like that, then you'd be drinkin' too.

  [Wayne high fives Chip] 

  Drew Carey - Host : [singing]  Let me tell you something that happened just to me. / My mama started drinking when I was just three. / Now I shouldn't let this secret slip, / But my mama started drinking when she married Chip.

  Colin Mochrie : [singing]  My mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange. / But her behavior GETS really strange. / She acts as though she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus. / Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Oh boy, this "Hoedown", it's takin' mighty long. / I am so siiiiick of this bloody song. / Wayne sits there and he gets to rest. / His penis is large, that's why he's behind the desk.

• Ryan Stiles : [in "Song Titles"]  "What's New, Pussycat?"

  Colin Mochrie : "When You Wish Upon a Star."

  Ryan Stiles : Ooh, "Blue Suede Shoes."

  Colin Mochrie : ...Nice pants.

  [buzzed out by Drew] 

• Drew Carey - Host : [in "Scenes from a Hat"]  "Bad names for perfume."

  Wayne Brady : I call it, "Like Ass".

  Ryan Stiles : You know you'll get lucky when you're wearing "Eau du Pork".

  Colin Mochrie : "Nice Pants", the smell of corduroy.