Wings (TV Series)

Fools Russian (1995)

Crystal Bernard: Helen Chapel

Quotes 

• Roy Biggins : Listen, I've got an announcement. It's a little thing so don't make a big deal of it.

  Helen Chapel : Okay, what's up?

  Roy Biggins : I'm getting married.

  Brian Michael Hackett : Uhh, what?

  Helen Chapel : What?

  Brian Michael Hackett : You're kidding.

  Helen Chapel : Roy, so many questions leap to mind. Like, where'd you meet her, what's she like?

  Brian Michael Hackett : What kind of bet did she lose?

• Helen Chapel : Roy, even for you this is insane.

  Antonio Scarpacci : She's right. How can you think of using a catalog to find a woman? It's so impersonal. It's so dehumanizing.

  [He looks in the catalog] 

  Antonio Scarpacci : Hel-LO, Nadya!

• Helen Chapel : Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't even know?

  Roy Biggins : The truth? There hasn't been anybody IN my life since Sylvia left me! I am tired of watching everybody else have a life! And I go home to my dog, and my TV, and my erotic decanter collection...

• Helen Chapel : Roy, don't do this! You once had the real thing with Sylvia. Don't give up looking for that now. You know in your heart of hearts, this is not right, and neither one of you are gonna be happy.

  Roy Biggins : You know Chapel, if it was anybody else you would think it was romantic. Well forget it. This is right, and I know it! I am gonna make that little lady Mrs. Anya Vol... something Biggins.

• Helen Chapel : Okay, forget about Anya. Why do YOU wanna do this?

  Roy Biggins : For a chance at a little happiness! And because I've fallen for her.

  Helen Chapel : Oh please. Roy...

  Roy Biggins : It is true. It happened the minute I saw her. She's... she's smart, and she's classy. Not to mention beautiful. I'm crazy about her, and I think she feels the same way about me.

  [Anya is audibly crying in the next room] 

• Anya Volkova : Do you think my fiance Roy Biggins will like me this way?

  Helen Chapel : Well, you're breathing. For Roy, everything else is gravy.

• Antonio Scarpacci : It is freezing outside!

  Brian Michael Hackett : Huh, and in the dead of winter too. How unseasonable.

  Lowell Mather : Now that was just sarcasm for no good reason, wasn't it?

  Brian Michael Hackett : Sorry.

  Helen Chapel : [to Antonio]  Can I get you something hot to drink?

  Antonio Scarpacci : Oh no, it's two degrees out. I'd like a snowcone!

  Helen Chapel : It's like some weird sarcasm virus going around.

  Lowell Mather : Oh right, Helen. I'm sure that's EXACTLY what it is.

• Joe Montgomery Hackett : Hey, what's up?

  Helen Chapel : Roy's marrying a Russian mail-order bride.

  Joe Montgomery Hackett : Oh, I see. That's the game we're playing, huh? Yeah, the Pope's outside snow-blowing the sidewalk.

• Evan : I love Renoir.

  Anya Volkova : I guess we both go for the Impressionists.

  Evan : But I am mad also for the Expressionists. Klee, Kandinsky, Jean Arp...

  Anya Volkova : Oh, Arp. I love him.

  Evan : [Smiling]  I've always admired the Dada school.

  Joe Montgomery Hackett : Hey, I get you could say that your heart belongs to Dada.

  Helen Chapel : [Awkward pause]  Don't get me wrong, but you're an embarrassment to our country.

• Helen Chapel : Can you imagine the only two choices in life being Roy or Siberia? I mean one is cold, vast, and depressing... and the other is way the hell in Russia.

• Helen Chapel : Hey Roy, I've got a good idea. Why don't you take her to the Left Bank Cafe?

  Roy Biggins : Oh, that artsy-fartsy place. Why do we wanna go there?

  Helen Chapel : Because they have some lovely paintings, and Anya loves art.

  Roy Biggins : Since when?

  Helen Chapel : Since she got her doctorate in Art History.

  Roy Biggins : Art History?

  [beat] 

  Roy Biggins : I thought it was Archery.