- Mae Hackett: Aw, come on Joe. We just can't go on like this. You gotta say something sometime.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: All right, how about this: Why did you leave us?
- Mae Hackett: Ooh... you went right to the lightning round, didn't you?
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Oh, I'm sorry. Is it not superficial enough for you? Okay, well let's see. How about the weather? It was raining the day you left. It was sunny the day I graduated from high school. It was partly cloudy the day I took my first solo flight. And it was a wet, miserable day the day that Dad died. You want tomorrow's forecast?
- Mae Hackett: Can't get any colder than tonight.
- Brian Michael Hackett: What if she's disappointed in how I turned out?
- Helen Chapel: Oh, Brian, of course she'll be disappointed. Well, we all are. But she's your mom. She'll love you anyway.
- Roy Biggins: [Roy and Lowell are sitting at a chessboard. Roy grows impatient] Lowell, are you ever gonna move?
- Lowell Mather: Me? I thought it was your turn.
- Roy Biggins: Do you mean to tell me that we've been sitting here staring at this chessboard for half an hour and you didn't even know it was your turn?
- Lowell Mather: It appears so.
- Roy Biggins: Well, move, you dunderhead.
- Lowell Mather: My pleasure, Roy.
- [Moves one piece]
- Lowell Mather: Checkmate.
- Roy Biggins: ...Wait a minute.
- [Moving the piece back]
- Roy Biggins: Maybe it was my turn.
- Roy Biggins: What's going on?
- Lowell Mather: President Ford just hit Brian's mom in the head.
- Roy Biggins: Well, ask a stupid question...