- Roy Biggins: But some part of you must have... wanted to be here with me. I mean you could've just TOLD your husband that we slept together. You could've just lied to him, Syl.
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: No. He knows me too well. I can't fake things with him the way I could with you.
- Brian Hackett: [to Roy] The fact is that when one guy sees another guy about to get dumped on, he wants to help him out... even if that guy's you.
- Roy Biggins: She just wants to get me into bed and use me like some cheap piece of meat?
- Brian Hackett: Exactly.
- Roy Biggins: I can live with that.
- [slams door]
- Mark the Waiter: I agree with Brian. It's very straaange.
- Brian Hackett: Who are you again?
- Antonio: Don't you remember? He's Helen's crab boy.
- Helen: Joe, you've gotta help me! That kid's been staring at me for hours!
- Joe Hackett: He's got a crush on you. What do you want me to do?
- Helen: Tell him take a hike! Tell him to beat it! Kick his weirdo butt outta here! I would, but I'm too nice.
- Joe Hackett: Helen, I'm not gonna break his heart. Besides, who can blame him?
- [imitating Mark]
- Joe Hackett: You got the kind of spatulas that drive men wiiiild.
- Brian Hackett: My God! Look at that woman! That's Roy's ex-wife!
- Alex: Hold it! Hold it! Somebody actually married Roy?
- Roy Biggins: Let's face it: Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you never wanna be with another man.
- Antonio: Sounds about right.
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: I was trying to hurt him, not you. Come on. What do you say? Can you help me out? For old times sake?
- Roy Biggins: Ha! What the hell! What's one more roll in the hay, huh?
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: Really?
- Roy Biggins: Nah!... I'm such a tease!
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: I'm sorry, Roy. When I found out about him and his secretary, all I could think about was getting even by sleeping with the first guy I could find. I knew that would hurt him.
- Roy Biggins: But why did you pick ME?
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: Cause I knew THAT would kill him!
- Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: That's your ex-wife? She's so elegant & refined & attractive &... ummmm...
- Roy Biggins: And what? Is it so hard to believe she was married to me?
- Alex: Yeah! What'd she do, lose a bet?
- Mark the Waiter: I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaabs... I just came by to say 'Hi'... so... Hiii...
- Helen: Hi.
- Mark the Waiter: Hiiii.
- Brian Hackett: [to Alex] Close your eyes, and you could swear you were at the Algonquin Round Table!
- Roy Biggins: Oh Hackett, why am I being so stupid? What is wrong with me?
- Brian Hackett: Well it's just a guess, but it sounds like you might've experienced a moment of human dignity.
- Roy Biggins: Damn! I was afraid of that!
- Roy Biggins: Hackett I wanted her, but I heard this little voice in my head say "Don't do it, don't do it!" Now what the hell was that?
- Brian Hackett: It's your conscience.
- Roy Biggins: Aw no, no! Oh, this can't be happening. I'm losing my edge here, Hackett!
- Brian Hackett: [about Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia] I've seen her house. She's way too classy for Roy. She's got a mansion, a butler. She's got those heart-shaped soaps in her bathroom that a, less-cultured person would've mistaken for little white chocolates.
- Brian Michael Hackett: What are you so happy about?
- Lowell Mather: Well that was some guy on the phone telling me that Bunny was coming over to Nantucket to sleep with me, because she caught him in bed with his secretary.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Somebody just called you on Roy's phone... to tell you that Bunny's... coming to sleep with YOU?
- Lowell Mather: ...Yeah!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Well did he actually ever mention Bunny's name?
- Lowell Mather: Well, no but he said my ex-wife. And you know, I mean how many ex-wives do I have?
- Brian Michael Hackett: I KNEW, I knew there had to be a reason! Lowell, Lowell, don't you get it? That was obviously Sylvia's husband on the phone. He must've had an affair, right? THAT'S why, that's why she came here: to get even with him by sleeping with Roy.
- Lowell Mather: Yeah.
- [snaps his fingers in Brian's face]
- Lowell Mather: Hello? I don't even know him! Why would he call me?
- Roy Biggins: Well, excuse me, gotta get ready for the big night!
- Alex: Oh, that's right, you're romancing a woman... You might want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...
- Roy Biggins: Almost reminds me of our wedding night.
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: Oh, yes - what ever happened to that car?
- Roy Biggins: Silvia, you're wearing a mask!
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: It's a sleep mask
- Roy Biggins: But we're about to make love!
- Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: It's a fantasy! I'll be Cat-Woman, you be... quick.