- Brian Michael Hackett: [to the bartender] I could meet any woman I want. And you know why? Because I am a smart, sexy, sensitive guy. You don't do better than me. I've got women BEGGING to go out with me.
- [Suddenly desperate]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Please, PLEASE be one of those women!
- Brian Michael Hackett: All right, look. The only reason we're here is because it's my brother's anniversary and we got kicked out of the house. I don't need this to meet women.
- Carol: It's okay, we're not here to judge. I'm sure you braved a torrential downpour in gale-force winds because you have a full social life.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Before we go inside there and take a ride on "It's a Sad World", I think we should come up with some sort of code. You know, something that says "I hate this. I told you so. Let's go."
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Fair enough. Okay, let's see. It should be something subtle, but to the point.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Bellybutton.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: What? Use it in a sentence.
- Brian Michael Hackett: ...Let's get the bellybutton outta here.
- Brian Michael Hackett: A singles mingle, can you believe that? That's as low as it gets.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: I think we should go!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Are you insane?
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Brian, you're such a coward. You never take a chance. You just sit there in your small little world, eating your greasy takeout, and watching life pass you by.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [realizing] You're right. I do do that. Because... I LIKE IT!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Brian, we're not having Chinese tonight. It's our anniversary. We're going to the Siasconset Inn.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Oh, even better.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Yeah, I love the Siasconset Inn.
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Um, we forgot to tell you one little thing about our dinner plans.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Yeah. We're going to the Siasconset Inn, and guess who's gonna be there?
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Not you!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: And then after dinner we're gonna take a romantic stroll along the pier with...
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Again: not you!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Then we're gonna go home, we're gonna open a bottle of wine, and we're gonna crawl into bed.
- Helen Chapel Hackett: SO not with you.
- Helen Chapel Hackett: C'mon guys, give us a break. We need some privacy. I mean, we have been stuck living with you under the same roof for a year.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Okay. Okay, I hear you, I hear you. You know, a quiet, romantic dinner for two at the Siasconset Inn... that's one way to go. OR -- and I think you're gonna get a big kick outta this --
- [to Joe]
- Brian Michael Hackett: The girls go ahead to the house, they fire up the barbecue, you and I go on a beer run, we pick up a six-pack and some dogs...
- [He snaps his fingers excitedly]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Well, we have ourselves a party, huh!
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Now THAT says anniversary!
- Brian Michael Hackett: [Joe and Helen throw Brian and Casey out of the office] Well that was just rude for the sake of rude.
- Brian Michael Hackett: You're going to a singles mixer?
- Antonio Scarpacci: Got a personal invite. They put it under my left wiper blade, where they KNEW I wouldn't miss it!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Antonio, you can't go to this, man. I mean it's gonna be a room filled with pathetic, desperate, lonely people.
- Antonio Scarpacci: Add horny and I'm their boy.
- Roy Biggins: Look at this flyer I just got for a singles mixer at the community center.
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh, they stuck one on your car too?
- Roy Biggins: Yeah. What a pitiful way to try and scrape up a date.
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh, I know. There are so many more civilized ways to meet people. Like dinner parties, or cruises, or jury duty. I once hung a jury for three weeks until a certain good-looking foreman said the magic words, "Oh all right, if it'll get us out of here."
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Great. It's my anniversary, and I'm spending it at a singles mingle because you had to bring Brian his wallet.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Wait a minute, you're saying this is my fault?
- Helen Chapel Hackett: No, not at all. All I'm saying is we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [Defeated, trying to find his dignity] Look: I'm wearing a name tag. I've crossed a line, and there's no turning back.
- [Extending his hand out to Casey]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Come. Walk with me.