Thirtysomething (TV Series)

The Mike Van Dyke Show (1988)

Ken Olin: Michael Steadman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Steadman : Tomorrow, I see my father's headstone.

  Elliot Weston : That should be fun.

  Michael Steadman : Yeah. I don't know if I want to be buried.

  Elliot Weston : Oh, come on Putrefaction is part of the life cycle. Replenishing the soil, plants can grow, animals can eat. People can eat animals and get clogged arteries and die, replenish the soil some more.

• Michael Steadman : Hey, you want to know what I'm getting you for Christmas?

  Elliot Weston : I don't believe in Christmas. I'm gonna shoot down Santa's reindeer with a machine gun.

  Michael Steadman : Yeah? I thought Elliot wanted a missile launcher.

  Elliot Weston : Yeah, weapons change daily and ordnance.

  Michael Steadman : Really? What are you gonna do about it?

  Elliot Weston : Tell Santa to take out insurance. I mean, what can I do? You know, it's the first Christmas since we broke up. Who can blame him?

  Michael Steadman : Is there anything that we can do?

  Elliot Weston : Yeah, tell his parents to get their crap together.

• Michael Steadman : Is that enough?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Michael, it's a tricycle. That's a huge present.

  Michael Steadman : Well, I know, but what if she doesn't like it? Then there's no backup. Maybe we should order the entire FAO Schwarz catalog just to be safe.

• Michael Steadman : You want to know if I accept December 25 as the birth of Jesus.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Michael.

  Michael Steadman : Okay, okay, I accept it. Now you want to know if I accept that a star led three wise men to a manger, or a lady who claims she hadn't had sex just had a baby who was the son of God.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : And I'm supposed to accept that a tiny drop of oil lasted eight days and that six men with bows and arrows defeated all the Roman legions?

  Michael Steadman : Syrians. Okay, okay. I'll give you the star and the three wise men if you agree to no lights outside, presents, and at least two nights of Hanukkah. And a 50% reduction in medium-range ballistic missiles.

• Michael Steadman : So tomorrow at the airport, I'm gonna get you one of those airplanes that fly back to you for Elliot. He loves those.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Which leaves Ethan, Nancy, and Ellyn.

  Michael Steadman : I'll get Ethan one, too.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, I feel sorry for Ethan. Nancy says all he talks about is shooting down Santa Claus with a missile launcher.

  Michael Steadman : Well, look, a little heat-seeking action. You know, a SAM6? That would do the trick.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, great. And then there's Brittany and Carol and Linda.

  [trying to feed Janey] 

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Okay, open up for Mommy. Just a couple bites before we go. No, you don't want any? You want to feel yourself? Okay, you do it. There's Jim, Barton, and your brother.

  Michael Steadman : We don't have to get him anything.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, and there's your mother and my parents. And... oh, God, the post office. I'm gonna spend my entire lunch hour standing in line.

  Michael Steadman : You want me not to go?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : No, I want you to go. I just want you to be in two places at once.

• Michael Steadman : You know what? I got an idea. We pick out a charity and we make donations in everybody's name. It's quick, it's virtuous, and it's convenient.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Yeah, Steve, David...

  Michael Steadman : No, the AIDS project. The homeless. Oh, wait, there's some right there.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : [cleaning up Janey's spilled food]  Oh, well, give me that. Thank you. Yeah, Michael, I know. I mean, it's Christmas and you do make donations, but you still have to buy presents.

  Michael Steadman : But why?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Can you explain to me again why they wait a year to put up your father's headstone?

  Michael Steadman : They want to make sure he's really dead.

• Michael Steadman : A rap song to sell laxative?

  Elliot Weston : What the hell do you want from me? I'm sick of this. I am, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of carrying this business. I'm sick of you sitting there passing judgment on every idea I have, inhibiting my creativity.

  Michael Steadman : We could show before and after pictures.

  Elliot Weston : Look, I know why I'm not working. Why are you not working?

  Michael Steadman : I am working, just badly.

• Michael Steadman : So, you have a history of consorting with Jews.

  Elliot Weston : Oh, yeah, yeah. I have a lot of admiration for the Jewish race. Their warmth. Their infinite patience in the face of adversity. Yeah, the Jews have played a key part in my personal development.

  Michael Steadman : Really?

  Elliot Weston : Yeah. Of course, they also killed our Lord, but I've forgiven 'em for that.

  Michael Steadman : What role in your personal development?

  Elliot Weston : I lost my virginity to Judy Saperstein.

  Michael Steadman : Oh, yeah? But you didn't marry her, did you? No, you married someone of your own persuasion.

  Elliot Weston : I would have married her except for she dumped me for Gordon Birnbaum.

  Michael Steadman : And, of course, they're happy now, right? I mean, lighting candles on Friday night. Not eating shellfish together.

  Michael Steadman : No, actually I heard they became Sikks and moved to an ashram in upstate Oregon.