Family Guy (TV Series)

Sibling Rivalry (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Santa, Lee Harvey Oswald, Glenn Quagmire, Captain Seamus, Tony Danza, Tom Tucker, Letter Y, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Sauron, Inmate #1

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test]  God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.

  Lois Griffin : [flashback]  Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.

  Peter Griffin : I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.

  Lois Griffin : Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.

  Peter Griffin : Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.

• Peter Griffin : Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.

  Cleveland Brown : You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.

  Quagmire : That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.

• Lois Griffin : Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

  Peter Griffin : Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

  Brian Griffin : Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Nite lineup.

  Peter Griffin : Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

  Brian Griffin : That's Street Fighter.

  Peter Griffin : Red, blue, green.

  Brian Griffin : Those are colors.

• Peter Griffin : Lois, you're getting your tubes tied.

  Peter Griffin : Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy.

  Peter Griffin : First of all, I don't know what that is. And second, no freakin' way!

• [last lines] 

  Chris Griffin : Hey, Doc, what did you with my mom's fat?

  Dr. Elmer Hartman : Oh, it's right here in the storage closet.

  [Dr. Hartman opens the storage closet door; inside, Peter has his pants around his ankles, his leg wrapped around the bag of fat and is making out with it] 

  Peter Griffin : Uh... it's exactly what it looks like.

• Dr. Elmer Hartman : Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.

  Lois Griffin : Thank you, doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?

  Meg Griffin : For your information, mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?

• Peter Griffin : Lois, men aren't fat, only fat women are fat.

• Peter Griffin : [at the sperm bank]  Hi, there. Peter Griffin. I've, uh, got an appointment to, uh, banish a White Russian from my Kremlin.

• Nurse at Sperm Bank : [Peter exits the storage freezer]  Mr. Griffin, you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right?

  Peter Griffin : Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And, uh, just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.

• Stewie Griffin : [Lois is worried she's pregnant]  Hmm, Lois pregnant. I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship.

• [after a night of sex] 

  Lois Griffin : Last night was amazing.

  Peter Griffin : It was, wasn't? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs.

• Bertram : If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!

  Stewie Griffin : Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?

  Bertram : He donated sperm.

  Stewie Griffin : Gross.

• Peter Griffin : Now come here, my fat concubine.

  [shoves a slice of cake in Lois's mouth] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm not even hungry.

  Peter Griffin : I want you bigger! I want you fatter! It will please me.