The Joe Schmo Show (TV Series)

Episode #1.8 (2003)

Brian Keith Etheridge: Self, 'The Buddy'

Quotes 

• Ralph Garman : Someone in this room is not who they say they are. So before we go any further, does anyone have anything they'd like to say?

  [long dramatic pause] 

  Steve 'The Hutch' Hutchinson : All right. All right, all right, all right, all right. My name's not "The Hutch." My name is... David Hornsby. And I'm an actor. I live in Los Angeles.

  Ralph Garman : Are you kidding me? You have ruined this whole show!

  David Hornsby : Well, don't blame me. Ask HIM.

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : Ask me WHAT?

  David Hornsby : What about him?

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : Wh... I don't know what you're taking about. Please.

  [Kip loses his phony accent] 

  Lance Krall : All right, I'm... I'm an actor, too. And, uh... I wasn't honest about it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you know what? It's not just me and him. You know, everyone else here is, you know... Come on, guys, raise your hand if you're an actor as well. Please. I mean, come on. Let's be honest about this.

  [everyone except Matt raises their hands] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [stupified]  What...

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt, every...

  [Matt laughs insanely] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What is going on?! WHAT is GOING ON?!

  [William, Molly's Boyfriend and David Decker enter the room and raise their hands, too] 

• [Matt is watching a video feed of the actors saying how they really feel about him.] 

  David Hornsby : Matt Kennedy Gould is a good man. You know, I... I feel like we could be friends. And, uh... I just feel like he's just an earnest guy. Matt, I apologize for any... anything we put you through. You understand. All right?

  Melissa Yvonne Lewis : He's the sweetest thing. I mean, he is the SWEETEST THING. Bless his heart. You know, that's all I... I just look at him and I'm like, Oh, my gosh. We already love you.

  Angela Dodson : I do think that you are probably one of the most amazing guys that I've ever met. And you're very cute, too. Those eyes, I could get totally lost in 'em. All I have to say is if this were a "real" reality show, you'd probably be in trouble.

  Kristen Wiig : Matt, I love you... you're an amazing person. And you've surprised everyone on this project with how big your heart is and what an amazing, genuine person you are. I just wish you the best of luck in the whole world. And I just want you to know that you deserve every great thing that's going to happen to you and to your life.

  [Kristen blows kisses.] 

  Kristen Wiig : [whispering]  I love you.

  Ralph Garman : Matt, I gotta tell you. I threw my best at you. And you never really batted an eye. You took it all in, uh... in good humor. And I was impressed by that. You kept your cool, and I appreciate that. Mostly 'cause you're bigger than me and I wouldn't want you to throw a punch.

  Nikki Davis : Matt said, "I'm not even here for the money, I just kinda wanted to come hang." And we were like, Oh, God. He is just great. He's really sweet. Really, really sweet.

  Franklin Jones : Matt's a... he's a genuine guy. You know what? You're... you're right on the path, man. You're 27. And you've done things other kids haven't done. You completed college, you started law school. And you know, you've achieved. But, uh, he really can't see that in himself, and I'd just like to tell him you know what? You're better than 95% of the youth out there, Matt. You're a good guy.

  Lance Krall : When we did that kiss the ugly frog, um, we each took our... our opportunity to sort of, within character, tell him how much we really liked him. But the words that we were using were OUR words.

  [In a highlight from the show, Matt sits in the middle of the jacuzzi with Angela, Brian, David, Franklin, Kristen, Lance and Melissa seated around him. In character, Lance talks to Matt.] 

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : We're all blown away by who you are, by your personality, by the choices that you're making, you're a great person. Really great person, I mean that. I really mean that. I want you to know that.

  [The highlight ends and Brian talks to us.] 

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt Kennedy Gould is maybe... he's top five of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life. I mean, he's... He's just a great guy. I mean, he's a wonderful, wonderful guy. And I wanna say this to Matt. Matt, you... genuinely, I'm your friend. I would be this guy's friend ANYWHERE.

  [With teary eyes, Matt watches the video feed end.] 

• [Matt is surprised to find out that he's surrounded by actors] 

  Ralph Garman : Matt?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you freaking kidding?!

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you an actor?!

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Everything I told you about my life, and my family...

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What?!

  Brian Keith Etheridge : ...and me is all true.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Get the f***... it is?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : My name... everything is true. Everything I told you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you an actor, Dude? Are you an actor? Are you an actor?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Everything I told you...

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Hold the phone. Are you an actor? Tell me... Just say it.

  Brian Keith Etheridge : I am.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [ecstatically flabbergasted]  What the f***... is going on?! Someone fill me in.