South Park (TV Series)

Trapped in the Closet (2005)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Brian, Randy Marsh, Grandpa Marsh, Mr. Mackey, Head of Scientology, Scientologist #1, Scientologist #2, Tom Cruise, News Reporter, Policeman, R. Kelly

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stan : Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

• R. Kelly : [singing]  Man, this is some crazy shit here. Why won't you both just come out the closet, they said?

  Tom Cruise , John Travolta : [singing]  We're not coming out the closet. You can just go away.

  R. Kelly : [singing]  But everyone wants you out the closet.

  Tom Cruise , John Travolta : [singing]  That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.

  R. Kelly : [singing]  Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun!

  [as soon as R. Kelly pulls out his gun, everyone standing outside Stan's room runs away] 

  R. Kelly : [singing]  I'm gonna give you a count to three to open this closet door, one - I'm gonna shoot you both, two - I'm gonna cap some bitch, three...

  [closet door opens. With gun facing forward, R. Kelly slowly approaches the door and enters the closet. The closet door shuts] 

  R. Kelly : [singing]  Now I'm in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too.

• Sharon Marsh : Stanly, I didn't know you were miserable!

  Stan : Neither did I!

• Nicole Kidman : Tom... Tom, it's Nicole.

  Tom Cruise : Hi Nicole.

  Nicole Kidman : Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.

  Tom Cruise : I'm not in the closet.

  Nicole Kidman : Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this & come out. I'm not going to think any differently of you. Katie's not going to think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet any more, Tom.

  Tom Cruise : I'm not in here though.

  Nicole Kidman : Yes, you are.

  Tom Cruise : I'm not... I'm not in the closet.

  Nicole Kidman : Then how am I talking to you Tom? Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet Tom, you're not fooling anyone.

  Tom Cruise : But I'm not-I'm not in here.

• Stan : I'm not really religious.

  Scientology man : Oh, we see Scientology as more an alternative to Psychology than a religion.

  Stan : So how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?

  Scientology man : Oh, that's just this thing.

• Stan : And best of all, I wrote that the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong.

  Head of Scientology : What?

  Stan : I realized that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help.

  Head of Scientology : What are you, stupid! Then how do we make money from those people?

• Head of Scientology : What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?... Having them pay you for it, stupid!

• R. Kelly : I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet/ Then John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too. / Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet! / But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!

  [takes a hostage] 

  R. Kelly : If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come out the closet I'm gonna cap this bitch!

• R. Kelly : Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet/ I asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?/ Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun!/ Tell me why Tom Cruise in the closet or I'm gonna shoot someone!