Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)
Hobgoblins (1998)
Bill Corbett: Crow T. Robot, Observer
Quotes
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Crow : [looking at the short, very fuzzy Hobgoblin] It's a bonsai Bigfoot.
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Crow : People and Robots Who've Had to Watch Hobgoblins Crisis Hotline! Hello?
Bobo : Oh, oh. Yes. Hello. I'm in a deep crisis which is very, very deep. And I need to know that you won't hang up on me like all those other crisis hotlines.
Crow : Ah, have no fear. I can handle anything! Um, it is related to watching the movie Hobgoblins, right?
Bobo : Oh, oh, oh! Yes, of course it relates to watching the movie Hobgoblins. That's why I called. Anyway, one day I was watching the movie Hobgoblins one day, when I realized, while watching the movie Hobgoblins, that I was in love with a woman very close to me... A woman not of my species.
Crow : Uck, uck, uck! That is disgusting! Ew, I need a shower now. Yuck!
Bobo : Ah! Wait, don't hang up! I need her! Though she can be very mean to me, I'm obsessed with her. I want her in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically...
Crow : Yuck! Stop telling me this, you freak! I'm gonna be sick all over the place!
Tom Servo : Hang up.
Crow : Um, I have another call... See ya.
Tom Servo : Hang up!
Bobo : No! I'll die without her! She's a chimpanzee and her name is Emily. And I don't care if anyone... Hello? Oh, rats. Another hang-up. Well, let's see who's next on the list. Butterball... Turkey... Hotline.
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Crow : [as Kevin is being attacked by a hobgoblin] Really, the worst that would happen is one of those little plastic eyes would fall out and you'd choke on it.
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Crow : [after Kevin flips over the lowlife] Now, come on, that move really requires the cooperation of the flip-ee.
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Crow : She's made her decision and they're going ahead with the sex!
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Crow : Slutting's fun, isn't it?
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Crow : Hey, it's a common man with his common van.
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Crow : [as Kevin arrives at his house] Ah-hah! And what brisk witticism will this chappie have to offer?
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Daphne : [During the long, infamous rake-fight] Go, Nick, kick his butt!
Mike Nelson : Yeah, give him a big, rusty gash in his head, c'mon!
Crow : Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?
Tom Servo : [about Daphne] Is that a condom she has hanging from her blouse?
Daphne : I'm getting so sweaty already!
Mike Nelson : So we sent our armies to the Gulf War with garden shovels and grass rollers?
Crow : Their garden tools make little Casio sounds!
Daphne : Yeah, go for it!
Tom Servo : Yeah, really, really kill him! Please!
Mike Nelson : You know, I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.
Crow : Throw some Miracle-Gro in his eyes!
Tom Servo : [Impersonating Nick] I'm gonna compost you, man...
Mike Nelson : [yawns] All the tension. Will they water their lawn?
Tom Servo : ...wow...
Crow : ...ever?... I'll bet Nick can also field strip his rake blindfolded.
Tom Servo : This movie's making me nostalgic for the film 'Gymkata.'
Mike Nelson : Oh, it just happened, did you see that? The hose out-acted them.
Crow : Yeah... Yeah I saw! Did you know that Nick went on to play... Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?
Tom Servo : Hey, hooray! You ruptured his spleen, yay!
Mike Nelson : Now, I'm gonna remove your thatch.
Tom Servo : [Impersonating Kyle] Don't let them hurt my red shorts, please.
Tom Servo : Wow, yeah.
Mike Nelson : I could watch this forever.
Tom Servo : Yeah.
Mike Nelson : Do you have a feeling I probably will be?
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Crow : Oh, Nick's in the French Army, I see.
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Tom Servo : Well, I'm sorry Mike.
Mike Nelson : Well there, you just did it again.
Tom Servo : What! Oh, gah, gee!
Mike Nelson : Hi everyone and welcome to the Satellite Of Love, Servo and I were just talking...
Tom Servo : - look, I didn't mean to turn you on, and I'm really sorry!
Mike Nelson : Uh, well, you know, ever since Robert Palmer introduced the concept of accidental turn-ons, in his song 'I didn't mean to turn you on' well, there's been a lot of involuntery on-turning around here.
Crow : Hey there guys, whats up?
Tom Servo : Gah, Crow!
Crow : Ohh, I'm sorry, did I turn you on again?
Tom Servo : Yes, you know you did!
Crow : Oh, I am sorry, I tried not to turn you on, but I guess I unintentionally did.
Mike Nelson : You know, lets all try to be a little more careful about turning each other on, okay. And you folks at home, be a little more careful, don't involunterily turn anyone on, okay, we'll be right back.
Tom Servo : Ah, Oh Mike!
Crow : Mike, Geez, Gah!
Mike Nelson : Did I turn you on? I didn't mean to, look at me, how did I turn you on, I'm just standing here, how did I turn you on?
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Crow : [sighs] Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!
Tom Servo : [sighs] Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!
Mike Nelson : Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't
Tom Servo : Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...
Pearl Forrester : Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants.
[Goes all breathless and looks turned on]
Pearl Forrester : Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!
Brain Guy : Yes Madam.
[Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots]
Pearl Forrester : And no jumping on the couch!
[Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch]
Crow : Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!
Tom Servo : Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl!
[Laughs]
Mike Nelson : Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Laughs]
Pearl Forrester : Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch!
[Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch]
Pearl Forrester : Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!
Crow : Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!
Pearl Forrester : Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.
Brain Guy : Huh, no!
[Bobo shrieks]
Brain Guy : [the guys stop laughing and look scared]
Pearl Forrester : [Putting gloves on] We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie...
[Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again]
Pearl Forrester : ... is called...
[Removes a film reel from a chest]
Pearl Forrester : ... Hobgoblins!
[Bobo shrieks again]
Mike Nelson : Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't!
[the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts]
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Crow : So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.
Mike Nelson : Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!
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[after finishing the abysmal "Hobgoblins"]
Crow : So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.
Mike Nelson : Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!
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Crow : Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?
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McCreedy : Hello, Mr. Comstock? Yes, I realize what time it is. I'm sorry to wake you, but... there's been an accident at the studio.
Crow : We made "Hobgoblins".
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[Nick has just burst into flames after trying to cover a grenade with its pin pulled]
Crow : My fajita plate was really hot and I touched it!
