The Joe Schmo Show (TV Series)

Episode #1.9 (2003)

Ralph Garman: Self, 'The Smarmy Host'

Quotes 

• Ralph Garman : Someone in this room is not who they say they are. So before we go any further, does anyone have anything they'd like to say?

  [long dramatic pause] 

  Steve 'The Hutch' Hutchinson : All right. All right, all right, all right, all right. My name's not "The Hutch." My name is... David Hornsby. And I'm an actor. I live in Los Angeles.

  Ralph Garman : Are you kidding me? You have ruined this whole show!

  David Hornsby : Well, don't blame me. Ask HIM.

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : Ask me WHAT?

  David Hornsby : What about him?

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : Wh... I don't know what you're taking about. Please.

  [Kip loses his phony accent] 

  Lance Krall : All right, I'm... I'm an actor, too. And, uh... I wasn't honest about it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you know what? It's not just me and him. You know, everyone else here is, you know... Come on, guys, raise your hand if you're an actor as well. Please. I mean, come on. Let's be honest about this.

  [everyone except Matt raises their hands] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [stupified]  What...

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt, every...

  [Matt laughs insanely] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What is going on? WHAT is GOING ON?

  [William, Molly's Boyfriend and David Decker enter the room and raise their hands, too] 

• [Matt is surprised to find out that he's surrounded by actors] 

  Ralph Garman : Matt?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you freaking kidding?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you an actor?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Everything I told you about my life, and my family...

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : ...and me is all true.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Get the f***... it is?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : My name... everything is true. Everything I told you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you an actor, Dude? Are you an actor? Are you an actor?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Everything I told you...

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Hold the phone. Are you an actor? Tell me... Just say it.

  Brian Keith Etheridge : I am.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [ecstatically flabbergasted]  What the f***... is going on? Someone fill me in.

• Ralph Garman : Come here, come here. Come here, come here. There's something we've been meaning to tell you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What's that?

  Ralph Garman : The only real thing on this reality show... is you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [embarassed]  Oh, my God!

  [Lance cheers] 

  Ralph Garman : But that's not... that's not completely true, that's not completely true. Because the prizes are also real as well. And in fact, they're all yours.

  [the actors all cheer and applaud] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [excited]  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T! I...

  Ralph Garman : Remember... Matt? Remember the spa vacation you gave to Dr. Pat?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Yes.

  Ralph Garman : That's yours. Remember the trip to Tahiti that you thought you didn't win?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Yes.

  Ralph Garman : That's yours.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [laughing]  What?

  Ralph Garman : The flat screen TV? Yours. But finally... and certainly not least... this check... made out to you for $100,000... is yours!

  [Everyone cheers and applauds as Ralph hands Matt a giant check for $100,000] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [triumphantly]  OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

  Ralph Garman : Matt, I think we owe you an explanation. Matt, everything... everything you experienced in this house from your housemates, to the game results, to the eviction votes... it was all very carefully planned and brought to life by these amazing ten actors and hundreds of very hardworking people. All for you. It was all for you, buddy.

  [everyone cheers wildly] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ask me, now that where I won, where I'm gonna go.

  All : Where you gonna go?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : I'M GOING TO PITTSBURGH!

  [Everyone cheers and applauds] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

  Ralph Garman : "The Lap of Luxury..."

  Matt Kennedy Gould : This is insane!

  Ralph Garman : "The Lap of Luxury" is the world's most elaborate cover story. What it is, is you're now the star of your own TV show.

  [Everyone applauds] 

  Ralph Garman : We searched... We searched far and wide all over America to find the warmest, kindest, most genuine man we could. And that man is going to go from being the nice guy next door to TV's brightest new star. And that guy is Matt Kennedy Gould!

  [Everyone cheers as confetti falls from above] 

  Ralph Garman : The truth is... we don't even know our OWN names.

  [Everyone laughs] 

• Matt Kennedy Gould : Um... you know, I just have to say while everyone's quiet, like, you know, I was gonna say this anyway when I thought you were all who you said you were. Um... You know, I went... I went to a basketball game... you know, I was having a hard time.

  [Matt chokes up] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : And I went to a game, you know, in a bad neighborhood at home. And, you know, I just... I walked in there, and there was the casting director, you know, saying, "You wanna be on a reality TV show?" You know? And, like, of course, you all know me. I don't know you, but you know me. I'm a ham. So of course, you know, I got on the camera that day and I messed around and just have fun. And then the whirlwind began. And, um... you know, what it is... what the most amazing thing about it all is is that there's...

  [Matt weeps] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : ... there's people out there... you know, people who saw things in me that sometimes I can't in myself, you know?

  Ralph Garman : We all saw it. We all saw it, Matt. We all saw it. You're a hell of a guy. We love you, man. We love you.

  [Kristen hugs Matt] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [weeping]  It's just so amazing, man. It's just so amazing. And I feel bad if I did anything to hurt anyone...

  All : No!

  Matt Kennedy Gould : I couldn't f***in' believe The Hutch won, man.

  [Everyone laughs] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : I couldn't. I tried... I tried to be gracious about it. But I thought, this asshole, after everything, he won? Are you kidding me? I'm cool as Hell.

• [last lines] 

  Ralph Garman : And the next time you're watching a reality show, or competing on a reality show, or simply the next time something weird happens in your life, ask yourself this question: Is it real, or is it "The Joe Schmo Show"? Thanks for watching. You're dead to us. Please leave.