- Ashley Burke: So what did Ms. Tammy say about me, Dad?
- Kevin Burke: Well, we really didn't talk about you. This was mostly about Mary-Kate.
- Ashley Burke: Oh, sure. The problem child gets all the attention.
- Ashley Burke: Why are you home so early, Dad?
- Kevin Burke: I had a conference with your teacher.
- Mary-Kate Burke: Uh-oh.
- Max: This is going to get ugly. I'm out of here.
- Brian: See you tomorrow, Ashley. See you in about a month, Mary-Kate.
- Taylor Donovan: [to Mary-Kate] So, I hear you're having some trouble with fractions.
- Ashley Burke: I personally love fractions. They're so... useful! For example, I'm twelve and a quarter. I'm guessing you're fourteen and... seven eighths?
- Taylor Donovan: [to Mary-Kate] She's not going to be hanging around, is she?
- Mary-Kate Burke: [while pretending to be Ashley] I'm gonna go over to Jennifer's. We're going to do our hair like one of the Spice Girls.
- Carrie Moore: Ooh, which one?
- Mary-Kate Burke: Uh... Shorty?
- Carrie Moore: You mean Sporty?
- Mary-Kate Burke: Yeah. Sporty. I always get those two mixed up.
- Carrie Moore: Professor, it's not what people say, it's how they say it. Most communication is nonverbal.
- Kevin Burke: Except of course in your case.
- Carrie Moore: [to Eddie about Stephanie] You haven't even asked her out yet and you're already looking for a way to dump her?
- Eddie Fairbanks: That's what guys do.
- Carrie Moore: Oh, Eddie. I have a hard time believing that you need a beeper to get rid of a woman.
- Kevin Burke: How could you two pull something like this? Especially you, Ashley!
- Ashley Burke: Dad, can we talk about this in private?
- Kevin Burke: No, I think Taylor deserves to know why you've been wasting his time.
- Ashley Burke: Dad, this is kind of embarrassing.
- [long pause]
- Ashley Burke: See, I just thought...
- Mary-Kate Burke: Wait. Dad, this is all my fault.
- Kevin Burke: All your fault?
- Mary-Kate Burke: Yeah. I made Ashley do it.
- Kevin Burke: How'd you do that?
- Mary-Kate Burke: Well, I... I threatened to read her diary in front of everyone at school.
- Kevin Burke: Ashley doesn't keep a diary.
- Ashley Burke: Oh. Well, I would have written one for her.
- Kevin Burke: Taylor, I'm afraid you've been tutoring the wrong student all week.
- Taylor Donovan: I'm still getting paid, right? I mean, I was tutoring somebody.
- Ashley Burke: So, did Taylor say anything about me?
- Mary-Kate Burke: Only that with all the drinks you came down to get, you must have a bladder the size of Lake Michigan.
- Ashley Burke: So he did notice me!