Photos
Quotes
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Rimmer : [into the radio] Mayday, mayday.
[to Lister]
Rimmer : I wonder why they call it "Mayday".
Lister : Eh?
Rimmer : The distress call. I wonder why it's "Mayday". It's only a bank holiday. Why not Shrove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday?
[into the radio]
Rimmer : Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday. 15th Wednesday after Pentecost, 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.
Lister : It's French, you doink! "M'aide" - "Help me". "M'aide".
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Rimmer : I'll tell you something. Something I've never told anyone. When I was fifteen, I went to Macedonia on a school trip, to the site of Alexander The Great's palace. And for the first time in my whole life, I felt ... I felt I was home. This place was where I belonged. Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist - Donald - and told him about the Alexander the Great thing, and he said that he'd regress me back through my past lives. I was dubious, but I let him put me under. It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct. I had lived a past life in Macedonia. That palace was my home. Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
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Rimmer : So, c'mon, how did you lose yours?
Lister : Michelle Fisher, the ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf course. Par 4, dobbing to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
Rimmer : You lost your virginity on a golf course. How'd you have the nerve?
Lister : It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was midnight.
Rimmer : How old were you?
Lister : She was so good looking. If she wanted, then she could've got a job working behind the perfume counter at Lewis'. That's how gorgeous she was.
Rimmer : How old were you?
Lister : She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
Rimmer : Skateboard. How old were you?
Lister : Twelve.
Rimmer : TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Lister : Yeah.
Rimmer : Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.
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Rimmer : It's about leadership. That's what I admire.
Lister : It's ironic when deep down, you're such a basic natural coward.
Rimmer : Coward?
Lister : Planet leave, Miranda? That space-bar, the Hacienda? remember that? When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.
Rimmer : That was a bar-room brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic, drunken set-to.
Lister : Which YOU Started.
Rimmer : I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it.
Lister : To his face. RIGHT to his face, when he was with his four biggest mates. Then you did your Road Runner act and left me to face the music.
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Lister : [lifting a spoonful of dog food, and pointing back at Rimmer without looking] And you can take that look off your face like I'm doing something disgusting. I'm just trying to stay alive.
Rimmer : You're going to eat the dog food?
Lister : Yeah. Yeah! I haven't eaten for six days; I'm going to eat the dog food.
Rimmer : I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.
Lister : I mean, this isn't dog food. It's a piece of prime fillet steak in bleu cheese sauce. It's been charcoal-broiled in garlic butter, and it's going to taste delicious. Delicious. Delicious.
[eats dog food as Rimmer grimaces]
Lister : Now I can see why dogs lick their testicles. It's to take away the taste of the food!
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Holly : Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the color of space, your basic space color - is it's black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer : But five of them? How can you be ambushed by five black holes?
Holly : It's always the way. We've been in deep space for 3 million years and we haven't seen one. Then all of a sudden, five of them come along at once.
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Lister : [wants to burn some books to keep the fire going] "Lolita"? Is it OK if I burn "Lolita"?
Rimmer : Save page 61.
[Lister turns to the page in the book]
Rimmer : [points] That bit.
Lister : That's disgusting.
[Lister tears the page out, throws the book into the fire and slips the page into his coat for later]
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[Lister wants to burn the complete works of Shakespeare to stay warm]
Rimmer : You've gone without food for two days, and you're turning into a barbarian.
Lister : I'm just burning a book.
Rimmer : But it's not just a book. It's the only copy of probably greatest work in English literature, probably the only copy left in the entire universe.
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Lister : But have you ever actually read any of it?
Rimmer : Not all the way through, no. But I can quote some though.
Lister : Well go on then.
[Rimmer hunches his shoulders in a bizarre fashion]
Rimmer : NOW...... that's all I can remember.
Lister : What's that from then?
Rimmer : Richard III, you moron. That brilliant now speech he does at the beginning - now something something something something... oh it's brilliant, unforgettable.
