The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer Goes to College (1993)

Harry Shearer: Mr. Burns, Smithers, Bee Guard #3, Guidance Counselor, Application Reviewer #1, Commercial Voice-Over, TV Announcer, Movie President, Nuclear Physics Professor, Nuclear Response #2, Gary, Richard Nixon, Scratchy, Dr. Hibbert

Quotes 

• Nuclear Physics Professor : Welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying: out with the old, in with new-cleus.

  [everyone in the class laughs except for Homer, who looks around in confusion] 

  Nuclear Physics Professor : Now, we'll begin by... whoops.

  [the professor drops his notecards. Homer starts laughing hysterically] 

  Homer : Oh, did you see that jerk?

  [Homer continues laughing] 

  Homer : Dropped his notes!

  [Homer howls with laughter] 

• Inspector #2 : You're in big trouble, Burns! Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.

  Mr. Burns : Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... *dropping* the charges.

  [He pushes a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens behind the inspectors, who stare at it curiously] 

  Mr. Burns : Oh?

  Smithers : The painters moved your desk, sir.

  Mr. Burns : Ah, yes.

• Inspector #2 : [on Homer's performance in a test exercise]  I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!

  Mr. Burns : Oh, very well. It's time for your bribe.

  [a curtain pulls back, revealing a washing machine and dryer which Smithers gestures to] 

  Mr. Burns : Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing...

  [pulls out a cardboard box covered with stylized question marks sketched onto it] 

  Mr. Burns : Or, you can trade it all in for... what's in this box.

  Inspector #2 : The box, the box!

  Inspector #1 : Look, Burns. This is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away!

  [Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a large fur coat that still has a $5,000 price tag attached to it] 

  Mayor Quimby : Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation, now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.

• Mr. Burns : The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

• Mr. Burns : Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

• Inspector : We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.

  Mr. Burns : There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' old-fashioned, good-time, extra-chewy...

• Mr. Burns : Remember, your job depends on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing...

  [ominously] 

  Mr. Burns : You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.

  Smithers : Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment.

  Mr. Burns : And the road maps, and ice scraper?

  Smithers : They were in there, too, sir.

  Mr. Burns : Excellent! It's all falling into place...

• Smithers : For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!

  [after Mr. Burns hops into an escape pod and closes the door, leaving Smithers banging his hands on it] 

  Mr. Burns : I like to put my feet up.

  [breifly opening the door]