- Eddie: Right I shall go Mabel, but I think I ought to warn you: that if your nephew reads anymore art magazines he may well go blind.
- Richie: Oh, sod off! Go on, sod off! Get to soddery! It's all your fault!
- Eddie: Sod off, yourself, ya great fat git! It's me that just lost ten-thousand quid!
- Richie: Well, half of it was mine!
- Eddie: It bloody well was not! You think I'm gonna lie on the sun-drenched Caribbean and have busfuls of dusky young maidens fulfilling every sordid whim and have a great, fat, blotchy white walrus lying next to me? Rambling on and on about himself and spoiling the atmos? No, I'm bloody not!
- Richie: Right, that's it, get out of my house.
- Eddie: I beg your pardon?
- Richie: You heard.
- Eddie: No I didn't.
- Richie: Well, I'm not saying something like that twice, young man!
- Eddie: Can't do anything about then, can I?
- Richie: Look, this is my house, so get out.
- Eddie: You can't just throw me out like that, I've got rights, I pay rent!
- Richie: Uh-uh, you're supposed to pay rent, I've never actually seen any money.
- Eddie: Well, I've been busy, haven't I? How much is it?
- Richie: Eleven-thousand, six-hundred and forty-five pounds, sixty-six new pence.
- Eddie: I've only got 30p.
- Richie: You'd better get out off my house then.
- Eddie: It's not your house, it's your aunt's house.
- Richie: For the purposes of this conversation, I *am* my aunt.
- Eddie: Hello Mabel.
- Richie: What is she here? Shit! Hide the fags. Hello auntie.
- [Realizes his mistake]
- Richie: Right, that's it, get out!
- Richie: [Eddie is showing off his copy of Parade] It doesn't matter how much you art it up, Eddie, it's still a jazz mag.
- Eddie: That's what they said to Michelangelo about the Sistine Chapel.
- Richie: No it's not! The Sistine Chapel is art! If they said anything, it would've been "Blimey, nice painting, Mr Angelo! Now that's what I call art, and it's not porny at all."
- Eddie: It bloody well is dirty, you know those three birds on the left with the bit of blue ribbon? Cor, some of things they're doing will make your nose bleed!
- Eddie: Everyday, yakedy-bloody-yak, on and on and on, day in, day out! Slime in this ear, slime in that ear! JUST STOP TALKING!
- Richie: Oh, hello Eddie.
- Eddie: Oh, bugger off!
- Richie: Hard day at the office?
- Eddie: Yes. I spent an hour with Mrs Longbottom. I spent another hour and a half with that *bitch* Mrs Pugh. Then I spent six hours looking for the supervisor's office, and when I got there, he cut off my dole.
- Richie: What?
- Eddie: He said I got too many savings.
- Richie: How much have you got?
- Eddie: £11.80. Said that would keep me going for at least two months.
- Richie: You really are pathetic. I mean you haven't held down a steady job since 1978. And you only held that down for ten minutes. Bunny Girl! I told you to keep your trousers on. God, it was like watching a bullfight.
- Richie: Which one's ours, old chum?
- Eddie: Miss China.
- Richie: Miss China, where are you, me lovely?
- Eddie: There she is! There she is!
- Richie: [Horrified] Eddie, you haven't put our money on that old boiler, have you?
- Eddie: Go on me beauty, mind the steps.
- [Clattering on screen]
- Eddie: That's a bit of a nasty tumble.
- Richie: Eddie, she can't even walk!
- Eddie: Hang on she's lost a couple of teeth. Spit 'em out, dear, they'll never notice!
- Richie: Stop smiling, you stupid cow! God, look at her mouth, there should be a lollipop man standing on it stopping the traffic. Eddie, what on Earth possessed you to put all our money on the thing from the swamp?
- Eddie: I got odds of a 100 - 1. If she comes in ahead of the pack, we stand to make £10'000. God, just imagine, the sun-drenched Caribbean, the waves lap at your feet. A scantily-clad maiden brings you your seventeenth large Tequila Sunrise, and a slap-grill for two!
- Richie: The way Quasimodo's going we'd be lucky to get a wet weekend in Reigate! She's got a tattoo on her face!
- Eddie: No that's just a bit of blood!
- Richie: Oh Eddie, why couldn't you have put our money on someone decent like Miss America?
- Eddie: Pointless Richie, the odds were 5 - 1 on. We'd have only made two quid!
- Richie: Two quid in hand's better than a tenner down the lav!