House M.D. (TV Series)

Who's Your Daddy? (2006)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : [the outgoing message on House's answering machine]  You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go with it. Hang up. On three: One, two...

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Need you. Now.

  Dr. Gregory House : Yes, mistress.

• Dr. James Wilson : [referring to House's encounter with Crandall's old girlfriend]  And you blew it.

  Dr. Gregory House : Technically...

  [does reverse motion with hands indicating that she "blew" it] 

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy about sperm donors]  You're designing a kid. A loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess.

• Dr. Gregory House : Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win, win.

• Dr. Gregory House : She'll be fine by... dinner.

• Dr. Gregory House : Three rules for hunting fungus: location, location, location.

• Dr. Gregory House : She's a minor. She's gonna need consent.

  Dr. Allison Cameron : I'll go talk to him.

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, that's an excellent plan! You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous.

• Dr. James Wilson : [to House about Crandall]  So why were you friends with this guy?

  Dr. Gregory House : We were 20 years old. He had a car. If he had been a woman, I would have married him.

• Dr. Gregory House : [about Leona]  So, what is she, Foreman? Light-skinned black chick or dark-skinned white chick?

  Dr. Eric Foreman : Not sure. Can we hear the music again?

• Dr. Gregory House : She'll be fine by lunch. See I was wrong before... about the breakfast.

• Dylan Crandall : [to House]  If my daughter needs bone marrow, why are you looking at a bone marrow registry?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because that's where they keep the bone marrow.

  Dylan Crandall : I'm her father!

  Dr. Gregory House : How does someone who believes absolutely everything become a non-fiction writer?

  Dylan Crandall : Test my bone marrow.

  Dr. Gregory House : Here's how this is going to end: One day, you'll be sitting at your computer, writing one of your little music books and your daughter will come home with a big, angry policeman who will throw you in jail because, "Daddy touched my poozle."

• Dr. Gregory House : House

  [to Leona] 

  Dr. Gregory House : You're a lousy con artist. First rule of the game is know your mark. Once you got Crandall to bite on the poppet thing you had him. You could have told him that you were servicing Al Qaeda's suicide bombers for crack, this guy would still let you pick out the colors in your new room.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Crandall]  Blow your nose. I need DNA from somewhere.

  Dylan Crandall : You're not running a paternity test.

  Dr. Gregory House : She's going to stay around just long enough to get your bank account, your credit card numbers and then she's going to be off with her next daddy.

  Dylan Crandall : What she's been through, why would you assume...

  Dr. Gregory House : Because of what she's been through.

  Dylan Crandall : Because that's your default position. Always has been!

  Dr. Gregory House : Because she's still alive! Raised by a junkie, living off the streets. That tends to kick the sweetness out of you.

  Dylan Crandall : Figured you'd have mellowed.

  Dr. Gregory House : That's because you're an idiot.

  Dylan Crandall : If I let you do the test, it means I don't trust her.

  Dr. Gregory House : No, it means I don't trust her.

• Dr. Robert Chase : Lab results from the black ooze. You're not going to believe it.

  Dr. Gregory House : She pooped out of her mouth.

  Dr. Allison Cameron : The sample contained stool and digested blood. How did you guess?

  Dr. Gregory House : 'Cause it oozed; if it was in her stomach it would have sprayed, if it was in her lungs she would have coughed. This oozed, as in squeezed, as in reverse peristalsis. Who's hungry, Mexican takeout?

• Dr. Gregory House : Natural selection sucks. We pick our mates based on breast size, cars they drive. They did autopsies on married couples and found correlations in pancreas size. We're hardwired to pick for stupid reasons. You have the chance to pick for smart reasons.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I think the Germans had a similar theory about 60 years ago.

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm not advocating wiping out entire races. I'm just saying you don't want to mate with the first plastic cup that buys you a drink.

• Dylan Crandall : I wrote a book about Baker, hung out with him, his daughter.

  Dr. Gregory House : Yeah. That's how babies are made.