- Cody Martin: Do you want my defense sign?
- Theo Cavenaugh: That's okay. I've already got my "I'm A Dork" t-shirt in the car.
- Cody Martin: [after finishing reading his speech] Like it?
- Maddie: [wakes up from a nap] Huh?
- Cody Martin: Guess not.
- Maddie: Sorry, Cody, it's just that I'm exhausted. I was up all night taking care of the baby.
- Cody Martin: What baby? I didn't even know you got married!
- Maddie: Please, Cody. I'm only sixteen. And I've never even kissed a boy.
- Cody Martin: Oh, please. Save it for the nuns.
- Mr. Moseby: [to Maddie and London] Ladies, why do you have a crying a baby in my lobby?
- Maddie: It's not a baby. It's our homework assignment.
- Mr. Moseby: Is there any way you can get your homework assignment to shut up?
- Carey Martin: Hey, Cody. How's the speech coming?
- Cody Martin: Great! I've got three metaphors, two analogies and a simile.
- Carey Martin: I'd love to hear it. You know I'm a sucker for a good simile.
- Esteban: Oh, I know all about being a parent. I remember when Dudley took his first steps.
- London Tipton: Dudley's your pet chicken.
- Esteban: And I remember his first words, too.
- [clucks like a chicken]
- Zack Martin: [to Theo] Cool, slot cars.
- Cody Martin: Wow, these trees are so life-like. Are those Douglas Fir?
- Theo Cavenaugh: No, they're even more rare. They're plastic.
- Sister Dominick: This weekend, each of you will be taking care of one of these.
- Mary Margaret: We have to take care of a doll?
- Sister Dominick: Oh, not a doll. This is a high-tech baby simulator. It must be fed, changed and nurtured just like the real baby. And if you don't, it will cry and I will know.
- London Tipton: You mean... ?
- [looks upwards and points in the air]
- Sister Dominick: No, dear. There's a recorder inside.
- Corrie: London, I named my son after you.
- Mary Margaret: For the last time, his name is Lebron.
- Corrie: And London, you're the godmother!
- London Tipton: Ooh!
- [starts clapping]
- Maddie: Godmother? Please, she can't even take care of her own child. She left it with a nanny.
- Corrie: Oh, is she good? Can I have her number?
- Maddie: [to London] You left our baby with a nanny?
- London Tipton: What? I had 22 nannies and I turned out just fine.
- Mr. Moseby: [as Esteban babysits for Maddie and London's baby doll] Esteban, please bring over that suitcase.
- Esteban: But I'm with child.
- Mr. Moseby: Get over here with that suitcase if you want to be with paycheck.
- Zack Martin: I've learned two things today: one, can't buy friendship; and two, city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked.
- London Tipton: Esteban, you're fired.
- Esteban: As the nanny or as the bellboy?
- London Tipton: As the nanny.
- Mr. Moseby: But the day is still young.